Some of My Favorite Entries
About the preceding "Treading Water" entry...
Okay, that was kinda weird, but hey, whatever. I was supposed to write a journal entry about my inability to find any creative spark to my writing as of late, hence the reason I haven't been logging journal entries in like that. And then, 7 minutes or so later, would you look at that? Wow. That can be interpreted in a number of ways. I in no means intend to tell you, whoever "you" may be, what to interpret. But, it's an admission I have not been willing to make to myself for a while. I've often talked about my feelings regarding commitment, etc. How I don't want to have my heart broken, etc. Well, that's already happened, so, whatever. But, it is an admission of loneliness and a feeling of futility in a sense. In an attempt to make the "right" commitment, I have come to realize in my more understanding and "eyes open wide" years, that I won't necessarily know what the "right" choice is whenever it is that I make it. I simply have to have faith. I have been self-sabotaging my heart for a while now, and I admitted that a few months back with a few of my most honest (and personal) poems, "Peas & Carrots", "Just Friends", I’m Sorry" & Insomnia". What I have been doing quietly is, committing to loneliness. I don't want that. I don't think I deserve that.
I never wanted that, but it's hard to trust the beauty of man when you see nothing but ugliness. Well, nothing but ugliness is a little bit dramatic. But, I know some pretty sad souls that were supposed to help me find happiness that they never knew. I know someone who let the woman of his dreams divorce him after a three year separation, rather than admit his transgressions. I know a man who is doing it now, also very close to me. Now in both cases, the women weren't perfect, but, they have a lot of good in them. Why does pride get to dictate matters of the heart? Why doesn't the heart get a say until it is too late, or worse, until it doesn't matter? I'm frustrated with my life to an extent. I'm not unhappy, just frustrated. Frustrated with flaky ass people who freely volunteer for things they don't follow through with. I don't flake out on people, so, if you know me and have flaked out on me, you have irritated me and I haven't gotten around to telling you yet. Worse, are folks who flake and don't even tell you their flaking. That shit is irksome and disrespectful. I'm also frustrated with having to be so fuckin' on point all the time. I just feel like I'm too logical sometimes. That I should sometimes just remember myself, that I am human. To not provide on the spot self-analysis and just be in tune with the fact that I'm hurt, messed up, pissed off...whatever. I don't do that nearly enough. I often get pissed off in retrospect as I spin the subject around in my head more and more.
Here's are some truths, seeing as though we are grown:
1) Why can't I ever be afforded the opportunity to perhaps fuck up, and if I do, every one actually remember that I'm human? Making mistakes is part of what makes life interesting, or at least makes you human. I often find myself refraining from doing certain things because I don't want to sully anybodies perception of me. This is hard to explain, here. It's not like I want to go on a bank heist or impregnate four different women, but damn, what if I did? You know, people never bragged about my grades on my father's side of the family until college, because until then, they were either bad or average. Instead, they celebrated my cousin Jason or my older sister, Traci. Now, I tend to think I was very behind on certain aspects of life, but some of my views were very mature. You know how I viewed that shit-- it hurt. Not just for me, but for everybody who was in the same boat. It hurts to not be mentioned, as if you don't matter, as if you don't have any worth. It hurts to be mentioned all of a sudden as if you were some trinket discovered in a local pawn shop. To be lauded as the standard when you were just "Lee" only months before. I remember my cousin Shae said that one of my family members told her to hand around me and stay away from my other cousins @ HU, because I was the only one on Dean's list. Hell, I was simply passionate about what I was doing. Don't get it twisted, though, I still did what many young men do when they are away from home: look for women and liquor. My point is, that academics don't equal content of character. My grades were not an indicator of who I was as a person. They were a status symbol. They didn't say anything of how I felt about me or you. That I was and still am very afflicted by race and racism in this country, and how I am to respond to it. How I want to knock some dudes out that approach me wrong, but I don't want to be a discredit to my family or my "race" as a result. This could get a lot deeper, so I'll leave this topic alone for another day.
2) Just because I want to go there physically with you, doesn't mean I want to be anything more than a friend-- What, people can't be physically attracted and friends? And if so, then why can't that be the case with you and me? On the real, your "emotions" may serve to annoy me in anything other than a "friend" capacity. Shorty, chances are, when it's all said and done, all you really wanted was what I wanted: sex.
Now, I'm of the frame of mind (for the most part) that we need to be easy and work our way there, but, let's not kid ourselves...you were feeling the same thing I was. Why should I have to chase you for something you want the same as me? Or, why do I have to pretend that I want to court you, when I don't? We're grown now, let's approach it as that. I'm not chasing you for something you've already made up in your mind I could have.
3) I really want to get into my creative writing...but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm preventing myself from doing this. I have so many ideas in my head, so clearly defined in my mind, but...I almost feel like I'm scared to commit to this process. It's like, finding out you have your destiny in your hands and being scared to take the next step. I don't know... I'm just tired of being tossed around aimlessly. I need to get balanced. Forgive this rant, because it is just that. This will make a lot more sense to me than anyone (I hope).
4) Sometimes, I don't want to talk, or share, or go anywhere...I just want to sort through all this madness. That's how I am. It's hard for me to start something new not having tended to prior problems that may be plaguing me, But sometimes, I need friends to check in on me, to call me, to ask me to go out even though they know I'll probably say know. I...can sometimes forget about the outside world. It's somewhat of a defense mechanism, somewhat of a processing thing. The world doesn't cease to spin when I do, and you know what, that's cool. But, it bothers me to know that I can be there selflessly for someone, and that same person won't pick up a phone (especially if I’ve made a clear effort of trying to reach out to them). Now, I don't dwell on it, because I don't like to dwell on negative shit, mainly because it does nothing positive for me/you. But, since I'm thinking about it now, it does bother me. Truth is, I find more and more than I'm more at ease with sharing the company of somebody I care for than anything. If we talk, that's fine. But if not, that's not a condemnation of your character of indicative of how I feel about you...it just happens to be where I am in my life.
Now to be honest, it would feel (to me at least) a bit disingenuous if I got a heap of phone calls because of this entry. Just keep in mind, that everybody likes to be feel like they're being thought of. This coming from somebody who is terrible with picking up the phone. Yet I still try to remember to check in every once in a while, be it phone call or email...
I don't even know where the hell I'm going with this entry now, so I'm going to wrap it up... Just know that I'm trying to be a better me, and I hope, that you are honestly trying to be a better you. Even if that means accepting that you are indeed human, too.
Treading Water (Here and There)
Wondering where my words have gone, I sometimes look for them here
hoping that maybe I'll hear them
here
from the wake of nowhere
because it's there
i find I can't find me
there
that I can't see
there is no me there
so "there"
is a place I can seldom bear to be
There, I am bare
yet barely free
Simply because the oppressive writer's block makes me feel I'm barely me
Yet,
When I'm there
I often find things about me that I never knew
So in a sense, I sometimes have to go there to become new
and remember that whenever I am here
what it felt like to be there
and why I don't want to go back
knowing that I can never be here
without going there at some point
that is the reality
everything in life has a duality
light has dark
near has far
It just seems so hard to find that balance in between
Stitch and seams
Nightmares and dreams
what this all means
it's funny that way sometimes
truly there is nothing stranger than the human mind
The time when you are moving at 100 miles per hour may be the time you find you've gone nowhere
and the time where you were most still is the point you finally got there
or here
depeending upon your destination
your drive or hesitation
i'm just saying
wondering more or less
if the time we spend dreaming in our deepest slumber
is the time when we are most awake
the time when we are most honest with ourselves about who we are
and what we want to accomplish
I'm embarrassed a bit
almost ashamed to admit
that I don't think I know what I want
which is why I seem to find myself sinking from time to time
tired of fighting a current that may actually be trying to save my life
i don't know
but i think i should get swimming lessons
swim out into the center
and wait for life
or God
to come and take me
I simply don't feel like treading water
anymore
For Gordon...
...so when I heard that Gordon Parks passed, I was shocked and a bit upset...but not too upset. I know that Gordon was one of the rare individuals who got to see way more than the average guy, and also lived a long life. You see, Gordon Parks was a personal hero of mine. I felt a very personal connection to him when I saw a photo exhibit of his at the Corcoran Gallery of Art in DC during the fall semester of my Junior year at Howard. It was a mandatory assignment for my photography class. As an artist, it was one of the best thing s that could have happened to me. I honestly didn't know who Gordon Parks was, what to expect, and why this exhibit was mandatory, but, Professor Kennedy didn't play at all and I really wanted to get a good grade in photography (It's the best 'B' I've ever earned). Because I didn't have a car, I called up my homegirl Alicia, and asked if she could roll with me over to the exhibit. Being the cool kitten that she is, she was down and we rolled out one evening to check out this exhibit. When I walked into the exhibit, the first photograph that caught my eye was a black and white photo from the late 30's- early '40's (I believe) of a train at sunset. The tonal quality was so exquisite, I could see what colors were present that evening the train was making its way to its destination. A black and white picture that was as colorful as any picture I had ever seen. I had unknowingly stepped into a time capsule of American and world history.
I was moved by the pictures he took; how everything seemed so perfectly caught in time. Because the exhibit was arranged chronologically, I felt like I lived vicariously through these photos. I went from the late 30's all the way up to 1997. Truth be told, I was much more intrigued and in awe of his black and white photography. I don't know, I feel that there is something magical, wondrous...classic about black and white photography. Upon leaving the exhibit, I absolutely had to learn more about this man. How did he capture what seemed to be so many significant moments in time? How did he learn how to do all of this? How did he have the privilege of doing this? Eventually, I did a research paper on Gordon Parks, and was astounded by what I discovered.
Mr. Parks had captured everything from drug raid on the south side of Chicago to Muslim rallies in the '60's. He had been responsible for timeless pictures that graced the covers and pages of Time magazine...he had seen wars, famine, poverty at home and abroad, cultural icons, Malcolm, Muhammad, Vanderbilt...all through the lens of his camera. He, was my ebony iteration of da Vinci. This man, who came up dirt poor in Kansas, taught himself how to use a camera and managed to become one of, if not the greatest photographers of all time. He taught himself how to play piano, and because he couldn't read music, developed numerical arrangements to write down his symphony's. He played semi-pro ball, and directed one of the biggest movies in the blaxploitation era, Shaft. During the later stages of his life, he developed a love for painting, and did all of these things instinctively. He never had the privilege or money to be formally taught. He learned through desire, will and necessity. He was a true renaissance man, someone that I didn't even know and wanted to make proud. A few people who have heard me rhyme, and have seen my name, have asked what the deal was with it. Well, because art was my first passion, I decided to pay homage to the two artists that inspired me most: Leonardo da Vinci, an Italian painter who was trained and evolved into one of the greatest ever. Leonardo was so serious about the anatomy and understanding it, he'd dig up bodies in different stages of decomposition and draw them in his studio. He was a genius who created the idea of the helicopter, catapult-- oh, and painted the Mona Lisa. The other artist was Gordon Parks, hence DaVinci Parks. I am a man who attempts to make art with words, but, don't sleep...I have a bit of ability with the pencil and paper, although I haven't really drawn in a while. The last thing I think I drew was for a co-worker who was leaving the country to take on another job, and I drew a picture in like thirty minutes from a picture I downloaded off the internet of Vito Corleone, as we are both fans of The Godfather series, although he, more than I. Here it is...(I did this at the very last minute AND from a very small picture) *sigh* Still insecure about showing my art, another thing I took from my Howard experience.
But, back to Gordon...I truly hope I get an opportunity to carry the torch somehow, and if i do, that i do him proud. You know, I'm not a big fan of remakes, and didn't really feel the Shaft remake even though I still like Samuel Jackson. The only redeemable thing about that movie, aside from Jeffrey Wright's performance, was seeing Gordon Parks acknowledged by the original Shaft, Richard Roundtree. I was the only person in that theater who knew who Gordon Parks was... The chick I had taken with me was like, "Who was that old man?" Oh well, study up on my man...his autobiographies are pretty easy to read-- They're all pretty much the same, it's just they have been updated over time to add more recent events with each iteration, as far as I can tell. Also, buy "Half Past Autumn", which is an autobiography/ small collection of some of his more popular works.
Sometimes, you just never know...
So, of course, i was watching the Oscar's lat night, and was marginally entertained. John Stewart is a funny guy, but, you need funny and charisma for the Oscar's. That's why Billy Crystal hosted so many times. But, anyway. I was watching as Dolly Parton (C'mon, where else was I going to start) was performing her light and upbeat Oscar-nominated song for "TransAmerica", and couldn't help but marvel at the two planets attatched to her. Now, I'm old enough to remember her from the '80's, and how she was the standard for big chested women everywhere. I'm old enough to remember "Rhinestone", a movie she did with Sly Stallone when he had a viable acting career. But damn! Do ya'll know, that she had those things reduced?! I mean, how big were they?!?!?! She didn't even have a midsection (either good diet, a good girdle or lipo), really, just heady, neck, breasts and hips... Them thangs were great...and Dolly looked good too. I mean, she could never sleep on her stomach, good gracious. I'm a man who goes for ass, as most brothas do, but damnit, Dolly, you can pass with all that! Whoo!
Okay...I'm composed, now. So, then, the lady who wrote and composed the theme for "Crash" did her song, "In the Deep" and really sounded good. I mean, it was really soothing and beautiful. But, who would have known that three six mafia would come out and perform "It's hard Out Here for a Pimp" to interpretive dance, and then win the Oscar for that said-same song? You gave those dudes an Oscar?! Oh, it's all over now, ya'll done opened up the flood gates now! How must Dolly and the other lady feel, losing at the Oscar's to a song called, "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"? Wow. Oh, and did Salma Hayek look good last night or what?
PS- I finished watching my Sade lover's live concert DVD last night; I now remember perfectly why Sade is at the top of my hit list. The frame and lips on that woman...!! Her eyes!! She's just...very special to me, is all.
PPS- If ya'll saw the Boondocks last night, and didn't laugh at the Deez nuts... joke at the end... man!! Mike Epps is a fool!!! I knew that was him, too. So far, I've been able to identify all the guest star voices except for Ed Asner, and had difficulty figuring that Regina King was Huey. But, I picked up on Mos, Charlie Murphey, Samuel L. just to name a few. I guess when you imitate enough people, you can pick up on it a bit easier, but, ya'll probably figured out most of the voices, too.
Anyway, I'm out, ya'll...
:o|
...and that's why I won''t do more than one show a night, I just won't do it.
Ha. Random qoute from Beetlejuice; I have come to a stand still on the script writing thing. I just can't seem to focus on it the way I'd like, and I don't believe in forcing creativity. Don't want anything to be contrived. I am, however, plugging away at upping my skills in Flash. I mean, I really should be NICE at Flash, but, I'm just not. It reminds me of Director, which reminds me of this ass that masqueraded as one of my college professor's. This joker had 18- 21 students crammed in his hot ass office for almost the entire semester, and the week before finals, took us to the computer lab where he gave us a five minute demonstration of Director. Afterwhich, he demanded we provide him with a 5 minute multimedia presentation with video, sound, text, etc. for our final projetc. HE didn't even know how to use the application, but he wanted us to do that shit out of the blue... Every time I think of that I get heated. So, anyway, I'm getting past that and trying to get my feet wet in Flash. The freedom of design seems to be relatively straight forward, BUT, creating the navigational interface is where all the time seems to be. Whew! I din't know it'd be this involved. I now (better) understand why you just charge more for Flash. Clearly, there is more work involved in creating a Flash-based site. I'm doing alright right now, but, I want my motions to be more natural and less time consuming. Right now, the proces isn't like if I needed to do something in Photoshop or Illustrator. In those applications, I have direction and focus. I haven't gained that yet in Flash.
I haven't really written anything as far as poetry either, by the way. That...sucks. But, hey, whatever, right? I am at least on a good par to finish the writing for this EP project. I decided to ask 13 of Nazareth and Sir Reigns to bless a track for me, so I have to relly make sure I come with it on my verse. I ain't for that geting showed up on your own projeect mess. The role of Reggie Noble will be played by me on this track, and I mustn't let anybody else come off like Canibus. Okay, for those who remember the Lost Boyz track that Canibus debuted on, which also featured Redman, you might get what I meant by that. That's the only time that I can readily recall that Redman was outshined on a track. Now, I'm not on some ego stuff here, either...I want Sir and 13 to kill it...I just don't want folks looking at me like I'm the dead weight on the track. I can't have that. Not at all.
I think rhyme-wise, I'm very effective at the subtle word play, that if you run it back, you'll be like, "Damn...did he?" Yeah. I still have no aspirations of being an emcee, I just want to get some things off my chest regaring hip hop, the black community, and society in general. My goal is to record the entire EP in a weekend on some Zhane type stuff. That would be hot. Do some dry runs, and do a final run over the course of a weekend.
Okay, nothing really to write here, just clearing a bit of the cobwebs outta the way. Taking a mental break if ya will; Back to the grind!
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