(Yet another New Years Alone)

I would like to start over
To be baby fresh
Freshly dressed for this formal affair called life
To have done everything right
Yet no all the repercussions of the things I’ve done wrong
I want to start off strong
Not a wreck barely making it across the finish line of another year
But realistically
It can never be like that
And truthfully
I wouldn’t want it any other way
Because I have learned what and what not to say
What and what not to do
And in a sense
Every lesson I truly learn makes me brand new
With all the good health I’ve had
I can tolerate an occasional fever
And the setbacks seem to make the successes that much sweeter
And I will be that much more ready whenever it is that I meet “her”
I don’t need to wait for new years to make resolutions
Or birthday’s to wish for solutions
Each day is an opportunity to be brand new
To be better
I simply have to remember that no matter what happens
And make the best of it

It's not just me.
I know it's not. A lot of the people I care about, am cool with, family, friends...are pretty much having a bad close out to 2005.
I'm saying, it's already a bad thing when you're bummed out, but to have so many people you know...and love in the dumps too? It sucks. Now, some of my folks are doing well, while others are so-so. But, there are more than a few who are really screwed up right now. A good portion of these people are too stubborn to see or admit they are unhappy, which is crazy. What's admitting unhappiness going to do? One would think it would make you at least try to figure out how to start fixing things...who knows? Lotta relationships are in the dumps, too. I mean, this shit must be contagious, or something. If I didn't love women so much, I'd hate 'em right about now. Well, hate is a strong word, I don't hate anybody...but you get the picture.
I've begun writing a script for big screen adaptation. Well, I haven't started the actual script, I'm currently working on back story and character development, but I hope to get into writing some dialogue befoe weeks end. I originally planned for this to be a novel, but, I can see this so vividly that I decided to do the script instead. This joint is going to be gangsta...Just watch.
*sigh*
C'mon 2006 with yo' bad ass...

It’s winter
And even though it has been scientifically proven the days are shorter
I
Beg to differ
Although the days seem colder and the wind seems stiffer
I am all reason
No purpose
Okay,
Perhaps that not the case, but
That’s how it feels
My sense of reality has ceased seeming real
The minutes are longer
Hours feel like they take hours to pass
The only thing that makes the work day go is work
Thoughts of you no longer work
Because thinking of you is too
Much
Work
I’ve always been somewhat a loner
But being this alone
Hurts
Reading genisis page by page I’ve made my own church
Where I am the pastor, pulpit and congregation
Waiting on a miracle
That perhaps I won’t have to play peace maker to find some semlance of peace
That some ouside force will be the source of my relief
Believing in my faith I have faith in my beliefs
Yet
This is something else
This is not simply a test of self
But of self love
How much will you abstain
Enduring pain
In hopes of being understood
That if you hurt me it can’t be all good
I mean we’ve all endured a bit more than we all should
But I must humbly admit that I’ve taken more shit than most could
And I’m tired
So tired my eyes are too weak to weep
I just want to finally know a true good nights sleep
One where I don’t have to worry about the welfare of my nephew(s) and or Niece(s)
Where I stop finding out lies that have been told to me consistently by family
Where I don’t have to wonder why am I so close to the poverty line with so much experience and a degree
When I don’t have to second guess my heart
I’m tired
Night time is for sleeping and here it is half till three
I’m worn
I don’t want to pick up the phone
Most likely it’s someone who wants something from me
I’m no one’s dummy
Tired of playing it cool (when you and your friend's are bad mouthing me)
I know how you think
I just want to heal
With or without you
But don’t be mad at me if you’ve given me every reason to doubt you
Because my word has always been bond
I just want peace
No sleeping disorder
No racing thoughts
I just want the night for sleep
And the day for dreams
And if you aren’t willing or able to help me attain that
Then simply let me be
Because the truth is
If that is the case
I’d probably sleep better
Without you

What's up folks?
I hope all is well, if not, keep your head up. Me? I'm aight; This holiday season feels very hollow to me this year...for many reasons. However, it's always a good thing to see and be with family during the holiday season, which is what i primarily look forward to as an adult now. This was the first year since probably elementary or junior high school that I haven't been able to afford anything for my folks...tgta bothers me a bit. I mean, both of my parents are cool, and don't want for anything, yet I still like to look out for them especially. hell, I've spent damn near a G on more than one occasion during the holiday's, looking out for family and close friend's, but I just couldn't do it this year. I had to really behave as if I'm broke, which i virtually am...
Anywho, I hope to get some writing on some scripts over the coming weeks, I finally wrote down some script notes for one of my joints, which has me a bit excited. I simply wanted to wish all of my folks a happy birthday...
Bru, Nova, O., Alicia, Doc Xotica & Dio, my bad for not calling back, but I still ain't much of a conversationalist right now.
Dwayne B, if you happen to read this, happy belated...I wanted to check your feature, but I got off of work and didn't feel like waiting 2 hours until the set was supposed to jump off...my bad :o(
Ya'll B Easy...

Donya, I ain't forgot about ya luv...happy birthday.
Love ya,

AS given to me a while ago, a You May Be Ghetto if by Rebecca Bishop- Hall:
You May Be Ghetto If:
You can't use the ATM machine because of the length of your acrylic nails.

Now, I don't have any real world understanding of that, but, yeah, that's pretty ghetto :o)
Got your own? Feel free to hit the rather underused, undersigned, ignored Message/Bored? if you feel like sharing.
PS- How 'bout them Redskins?! Yeah, baby! Spanked Dallas' ass...and not in that good Las Vegas way... Now, if we go ahead and lay the smack down on NY, which I think we can do, we're in a good postion to make the playoffs, and we don't go to the playoffs just to go home baby.

Okay, it's getting kind of grim, what with all the legends we're losing as of late. But, Richard, Richard is just a bit different. See, Richard Pryor was unmistakably the best to ever do it...and I say that with absolutely no reservations. Richard proved that comedy, in its highest form, could be one of the purest ways for a society to learn about itself, and how to become better. Rich didn't skirt around the issues, bite his tongue, or hide his indiscretions. No, he was that rare individual that allowed you to know everytime he screwed up, yet was still able to call you out on your dirty laundry, too. He kicked down doors, broke down barriers, and made the business of comedy bigger because it had to adapt to the larger than life talent of Richard Pryor. The man was a genious, and there'll never be another like him.

Message to my family (none of which read this journal):
I am officially broke. I dropped $450 of my savings on a new radiator for my bucket, and then another $100 on getting the transmission flushed. I ain’t got nothin’ for ya this Christmas…and not ‘cause I don’t love ya, but because I need to save what little dough I can until I get this job situation together.
So anyway, I went to the Dr. yesterday because my breathing has felt “off”, and I just wanted to make sure everything was cool. He said everything looked find, but gave me a write up to get some chest X-rays and some blood work done, anyway. He said it could be stress because my lungs sound good and my oxygen level in my blood is straight. See news like that feels good to hear, but, it still leaves you feelin’ like, “Well what the hell is wrong then?”
Stress could be the answer, but, my word, I have not been really trippin’ off of too much lately. I have been really low key, exercising on a regular basis (I need to throw some cardio in there), and trying to keep a good diet…my work diet is like night and day in comparison to how I eat at home. I need to fix that.
More in a bit…
Holla!

I had a couple epiphanies this weekend, primarily while driving to my mother’s crib to spend some time with her on her birthday. I won’t share everything with you, but I will say this… I am tired, but…now I know why. I mean, not long ago, I pulled away from many of those close to me, but didn’t fully understand why. It’s a bit clearer now: I’m tired of wanting for my loved ones what they aren’t willing to want and/or attain for themselves. It’s hard to see the people you love self destruct, especially when they don’t want to listen to you when you call them on it. So, why bother? If you can’t get beyond yourself to find the happiness you want, why should I intervene? Seriously?
It’s not that I care any less, but, family is the place, the one place you should be able to go and feel reenergized and ready to face the world. If you can’t go home after a l0ong day of work and enjoy family, YOU need to reevaluate your life. Family is supposed to be the one thing that builds you up when the world tears you down, and not just in my family, but in others, that’s not the case as it should be. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and I have a lot of good people in my family; A lot of the wear and tear I feel is not something that folks are doing directly to me… I see it in how people treat their spouses and significant others, hell, themselves. Because of the type of person I am, that wears on me. At some point, people will have to realize that the happiness they seek is up to them to attain.
Why are you expecting him to come around and start acting a certain way when you still ain’t got your shit together? Why does she have to change, but you don’t? If something is wrong in a relationship, the first person you need to check is you. What are you doing to better the situation? What are you doing to better yourself and where you are in life?
Another thing is, people don’t think I’m for real or something, man. And seriously, I’m tired of that too. I’m tired of being disregarded, but when someone needs something done, I’m the one who makes it happen. I’m tired of being the rock everybody depends on, but not getting the appreciation, or better yet, respect for it. Just because you’re a nice guy doesn’t mean you’re a sucker. So…certain people might be seeing a different side of me, because I’m not going to sit idly by while you try to play me…naw, it ain’t even that type of party.
…………………………………….
On another note, I really need to work on my social anxieties; I still don’t like being in large groups of people. I either get too talkative or you forget I’m there. Unless it’s family, as in, known you most or all of my life, I’m a bit uneasy. I sat next to Charlie Brown at my man Bru’s fight party the majority of the Hopkins fight, and she basically had to tell me (as only Charlie can), “Calm the fuck down, son”. Not that I was wildin’, but I think she saw I was a bit out of my element (my mouth was moving, but I wasn’t really saying much). I’m trying to keep myself somewhat out there, but my faith in humanity is truly waning right now. It sometimes makes me wonder why I should continue to be a good person. Not that it matters, because, I just can’t bring myself to be shady. *sigh*
C’est la vie…
Oh, Hopkins deserved to lose that fight because it was his fight to lose. He did nothing to win the fight, and a challenger can not be lack aggression in a title fight. Oh, and R. Kelly singing the national anthem…? Marvin Gaye will not have to worry about any comparisons…ever.
PS- The boondocks is funny as hell…even if it does (sometimes) go too far; actually, it’s no less out there than Family Guy or American Dad, so, what am I really saying here. Watch that joint…

What’s good people? Word? Well, I hope that no matter what, tomorrow looks a little brighter than today. Who, me? Awww, thanks for askin’…I’m okay. My body seems to want to get sick, so I’m trying to avoid that, but aside from that, I’m cool. Life is actually kinda hard right now, but, I’m not really complaining about everything that’s not right in my life. On the flip, I’d then have to voice everything that is right in my life, which would add the perspective that it isn’t all bad, even if it feels that way.
I’m dealin’ with some things, but I’m healing, and becoming stronger as a result. Can’t be mad at that. Right now, I’m really feeling Luther Vandross’ song, “Promise Me”, that bears a lot of significance to me right now. Damn, who could ever hope to fill his shoes?
Nothing major to report. Spent time with my oldest nephew over the weekend. He’s a good kid, but he’s dealing with some stuff too, unfortunately. So, Uncle Lee has to come out of his shell, because my nephews situation is more immediate than mine. I’m grown, he’s not. I refuse to let him fall through the cracks, or at least play as much of a part as I can in preventing that. I believe the children are our future… LOL to anyone who just read that and went right into Whitney’s song. Props to anyone who thought of the Sexual Chocolate rendition first.
Hey look, I just wanted to drop you guys a line…or myself a line…because it’s my journal…or…whatever.
PS- Sasha, I was digging the poem you wrote in the comments section a couple posts back.
One!