I wrote a song today…and it was liberating because there was a truth in it. Honestly, because the song can be interpreted in many ways, it can be viewed as multiple truths, but for me—in this moment, that particular truth is attaining that which is important to you through proactive measures. I’m not sure this makes sense, in fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t, but, what I have done in the past is typically the sensible move. Take this career step based upon the options available, buy a condo, buy this vehicle, etc. I am pretty damn good at calculated risk. However, the yield on calculated risk is seldom great.
I find that when I take my hand off he steering wheel and let God do what God needs to do for me to grow—it involves me taking steps I wouldn’t normally take. It involves me leaving my comfort zone and going with my gut. It’s often a struggle or a growing/learning curve, but I benefit immensely from it. I’m awesome at reacting to trying circumstances (in most instances), but I’m at my best when I just go on what my heart tells me to do. I don’t think about risks, because although I know I can ultimately fail, that’s not how I wind up when I just go for it. I succeed.
One of the things that I have missed about me the past few years is that I’ve not really had that fire in my belly. As of late, it’s been returning, and I know it’s because some trying yet transformative times are on the horizon for me…and I’m gaining my peace about it. I know that I’m going to lose some things, possibly people, but I’m also going to gain a tremendous amount. The losing part has scared me, because I know that the gains will indeed be coupled with losses, and it’s hard for me to lose people.
I don’t make a lot of (deep) connections because the ones I have mean so much to me, and who I have been, that they have been—I don’t know, damaging at points. I’m a loner to a very large degree, but I enjoy connecting with family and people. It’s what grounds me and makes me feel most human in many ways. One of the realest and deepest connections I had was badly damaged in a fall out that was honestly, healthy and harmful to both parties. I’ve learned the value of how to regard people you care about, and to protect that relationship, not run from it.
SO, my situation is, and has been…I’ve not felt connected to anybody since. Not in that way at least. This goes beyond some lovey-dovey types shit, too. No, this person, though we don’t speak on the matter like that, GOT ME . No doubt about it…she understood me, and I understood her. We were kindred spirits. Something we figured out quickly, and I didn’t try to guess or figure or micromanage. So yeah, I have cared for people since then, and deeply. But, when a person doesn’t get you, they don’t know all of what it is within you that makes you special—and beautiful. They may be able to see it, but to appreciate it…no. That’s something different all together.
The relationship, rather the connection that was severed, has been patched up, and I’m truly glad that our friendship proved to be bigger than the differences that threatened to destroy it. It has made me stronger. It has forced me to do a great deal of soul searching in the years since, and I’ve made a lot of progress on this crash course of life and self-discovery. Which I guess is why I feel the need to address the relationship that never was, or you, to be more specific—because I felt a connection. It went beyond attraction. It was one that I felt in my gut, took words from my tongue and rooted my feet wherever I stood.
There was a sense of familiarity and ease--which made it weird, and awkward, and a bit scary—not to mention you were dead fine. And I don’t think this was a false positive, where it was just me who felt it, no…I just don’t. So, hell yeah the timing sucks, but I just want some one who I think gets me. Now, I think that’s you…and if I’m wrong, simply let me know. If you didn’t feel it, I can eat a piece of humble pie. But if you did, we should talk because I feel it’s worth discussing. I know the reality makes things seem improbable, but my heart has never been much deterred by the impossible. We should talk because I think you deserve some one to talk to, some one who’ll hear you. We should talk because we all are in some way looking for that thing , and I for one, am tired of feeling disconnected.