So I realized that when I give somebody a spot—a place in my heart, it becomes their spot. That spot isn’t retail space that’s paid for, it’s not rental space that can be cleaned out and retrofitted for new tenants…it’s theirs. So, if in death or life, circumstances arise where I lose some one who had a space in my heart, it naturally leaves a hole. So, I typically don’t respond to loss like many others do, but at the same time, I’m hindered, hobbled even. That space can not be filled in by contractors, or cordoned off by first responders to the scene of a crime. It’s a hole that sits there, often flooded with memories of what used to be there in the place of those memories. After a while, I can go on, get back to normal activities, although they aren’t the same if a particular person would have been there—my maternal grandmother at my high school graduation, for instance.

What makes the holes hard to deal with, is when that used to fill them comes back—not necessarily to remind me of what was, but it still aches nonetheless. Sometimes, if they’re able to come back, they set up in their old place, some have to be given new, less spacious accommodations. But those old holes seem to resonate all the more clearly; beacons in the abyss if you will. And it makes me want to stop moving like mercury in retrograde, to the point I almost go back in time. Maybe to never let them leave, to do something different, or, maybe to never give them an opportunity to leave a hole in the first place. Right now, I just feel like there are too many holes in my heart, and time doesn’t always heal. So, I’m trying to find a way to fill in these holes with the prospect of new possibilities, so that these holes…won’t continue to hold me down.

PS - While this doesn't speak entirely, or maybe even mostly to broken hearts and the like, Cee-lo--ne, Glarls Barkley's Who's Gonna Save My Soul? is an apt metaphorical depiction of how I sometimes feel. Just saying, losing people you care about sucks--no matter how it goes down.

So, another year has come and gone and I am one year older, and a tidbit wiser. Really though,I can honestly say that my perspective on life and how I live it with myself and others has matured a great deal over the past couple of years, so I’m happy about that. I am wondering when my ship is going to come in relationship-wise, as I don’t want to do the kid thing before the marriage thing. Also, I’d like to enjoy the marriage thing a bit before the kid thing.

Aside from that, I believe that I’ve positioned myself well enough to be creative, so all I need to do is wait for the muse I guess. I have some concepts I wanna write, but they ain’t scratching and clawing to get out just yet, though. So, my hope is to write something substantial towards my mystery/suspense jawn, and maybe the screenplay, too. My Sunday has filled out pretty quickly though, so I don’t know how things are gonna play out. It was going to be football, but now a play reading and perhaps a party are being thrown in the mix, too, sooooo…yeah.

Only thing I really need to do Saturday though, is clean some of my tennis shoes. I’d love to buy a few new pairs (I’ve so fallen off in that department), but the dough ain’t right for that. I’d love to be irresponsible and buy some new gear, but that weould catch up quickly in this particular (financial) climate. ‘sides, I like my Ali Adidas enough to rock those virtually every day (although I of course don’t), and they never seem to get dirty. Had I known they’d be this damn good, I’da bought two pairs off the break off of GP alone.

Lastly (I think), I went through an online portfolio to look at my older stuff—and I have to remind myself that I can actually draw sometimes. I really should be working on my graphic novels more fervently, heck, I’d have to work on them first before I did so fervently. Oh, and trying to find a reputable voice over class on the internet feels like a monumental task. The sites that come up look so bootleg! I can’t give you $700 or whatever some of these other sites are and your site doesn’t even look legitimate.

Eh, I’ve got nothing else to say really…oh(!), I picked up Anne Rice’s “The Queen of the Damned” recently, although I’m forcing myself to read I think… I forgot I made myself stop reading a while ago (years actually) because I didn’t want any of her concepts to affect my ideas for my vampire story. I’m still not back to the point where I left off,. Because there’s a familiarity to all of this still. Her writing is dope, but the constant gayness is a bit much. I mean damn, is every male vampire gay? Really? That’s what dead dudes do with their immortality? She’s still a dope writer though.

So, I’ve cleaned, scrubbed, vacuumed, hell—all this was on my FB page, so whatever. I did a lot of situating to get my house in order. Things aren’t perfect of course, but they are better.

I also cleared a lot of old business off of my white board in my office, and in place of that, written up some new tasks. This means that I now need to start acting. I will start by writing this weekend. Not trying—but actually writing. So sayeth me, myself—Lee? Hmmm…

So yeah, I’ve been wanting to write something, but don’t have much to write. I’m in a weird space. I’d like to take a work day to myself and just cocoon for a day, that way I can enjoy weekends a bit more too.

*sigh*

This isn’t working…I’ll have to come back later.