...this is a first. Hopefully they'll let us go early or something.
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Dang! Right after I posted this I got word that they're letting us go early! Yeah!

Happy Birthday, Donya. Miss ya baby girl...

I was thinking last night, maybe it's time to change the name of my journal. I still think I'm lacking in social wherewithal on some scenarios, but I do think I've dramatically improved. So, maybe the "Soliloquies of the Socially Retarded" title will be replaced with something a bit more fitting. We'll see...

Anyway, I've been tallying things up a bit, and I am realizing that I've gained quite a bit, and I've lost quite a bit. Some things, real talk, I could never get back. Things that if I think about them, it'll take me back to where I don't want to be, so I don't dwell on them. I've lost friend's, too. This is one of the most unsettling aspects, because I don't get in the habit of calling everybody that smiles at me my friend. If you have an open invite to roll through whenever, on some "I was in the neighborhood" type shit, then you're a friend. Not to say that if you don't have that you're not a friend, but it's different for me. I'm not one to just let people come to where I rest and kick it. There has to be a comfort and familiarity, but I digress.

I've also gained a few things...greater insight into self. I feel as though my creative juices are starting to flow a bit more. I'm cool now. There were so many reason why I can say I wasn't, and much of it had little to do with my issues. For a long time, I'd let other peoples issues concern me, bother me, consume me. At some point I had to get the message that it's OK to care, but I can't invest my time and energy in something that ain't mine. I can't make your issues my issues, especially if you ain't handling your issues like you should, dig? So with that, I feel a lot more liberated...and a lot less stressed.

I'm still working on making me a better me everyday, I pray on it every night. Trying to push for my artistic freedom, too. Mainly trying to get myself to let go of being so practical and just take a little more risk...which I don't do without calculating first. But some risk, you can't calculate, and that's the risk I need to take to go where I want to go. Well, I'm rambling, and I need to get focused, which is also something I'm working on...
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Ha, ironically, I just found and read this (dope) article via MSN.com, which kinda speaks on much of what I had to get better at over the past year and talked a bit about in this journal entry. I wish I had learned this so much earlier in life, but I think learning the value of how to and when to bother/or commit to this is just as important. My homegirl Nova is a master at this...like, she could have totally written this: The Help Resisters: Advice Dismissed

So, I am learning that even when you try to do things right, things can still blow up in your face if you started out wrong. Well, I knew that, but sometimes we all forget the stuff we learned at a young age, or perhaps we just lose sight of the early life lessons (like how I said "we", right?). Real talk, things can blow up in your face even if you started out right with positive intentions. Life is just that way.

Which got me to thinking about how serious life is, and how important it is to be clear about what you want, expect,desire, etc. For example, I recall having a running disagreement with my mother about quitting my job as a teacher and finding another job that paid me more. Her primary concern was her son, while I was more focused on not quitting, not bailing out on my students (good or bad) like so many others had (justified or not), being a positive model of what a young black man could be, showing fortitude, standing my grand, etc. While these were all noble things, that decision to stay has greatly shaped everything I've encountered and done in my adult life post-graduation. From being unemployed to getting licensed in mortgage origination/life insurance sales...relationships, both platonic and otherwise.,..all have a root in that decision. Hell, I realized that I do belly ache a bit due to so much adversity, but that I am also a fighter and get shit done when my back is against the wall.

All that being said, my thinking is now, ore than ever, that I need to make better decisions from the outset. Truth be told, I haven't mde a lot of bad decisions, but I haven't taken a lot of risk either. So each day is a day I need to assess what risks and what decisions I am going to make/take for the day. I also feel, that all of these hardships are telling me I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.

There are certain things I believe I was meant to do, but without life kicking my ass and humbling me, I doubt I'd be able to do correctly. My decisions, and my ability to take the consequences and also assess my role (good, bad, or otherwise) in them has made me a better man. Hell, I'm nowhere near perfect, but I have a lot going on for myself. I may be broke financially, but I am rich in so many other ways, which let's me know I am blessed, and that I have a lot of responsibility when things start lining up for me.

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Now playing: Alice Smith - Do I

so, as I was preparing to make a late night trek down south with my oldest sister, I decided to make the standard stop to the rest room just before heading out, because I hate to stop for anything other than gas or rest. Somehow, my iPod must have decided that my bathroom stop would be the best shot at freedom...sploosh...right in the toilet. Fortunately, I hadn't started or anything, but still.

Imagine me yelling in horror as I see my iPod (which was a totally awesome gift, by the way) trying to settle at the bottom of the commode. I immediately risk life and limb...not really, but I don't hesitate to pull that bad boy outta the damn toilet. I try to paper towel it off and can already see that 5 seconds was all it takes for water to start pooling on the inside. Maybe if I blow dry it...drying the water before it has the chance to settle in has worked in the past. No chance. Done. Fin. Finito.

I will be holding services for it sometime this week. It was only a little more than a year and a half. It was my friend. I might need to find a copy of "Taps" to play at the services, to show the proper regard. Thank goodness for warranties.
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On another note, the trip south was great. Got a chance to surprise my mother for her birthday along with friends and family. She had absolutely no clue that there was a surprise coming, and the trip down and back over the weekend was made that much more worth while to see her face and how happy she was.

I got my grub on, chilled with some family, and humbled one of my elders who claimed I was too young to know how to play whist. Good times. Also got that Sara Bareilles jon't, and can now say I officially like her. Haven't given the thorough listen yet, but the first listen was cool. Haven't gotten through Feist's jon't yet, and Alice Smith was sold out down there, so I'll look for that when I cop The Dark Knight tomorra.

Signed,
Undoubtdly Sleep Deprived Lee

Where does Starbucks get off selliong sandwhiches with no side for $6.50?! I guess you really have to be a star for the amount of bucks you gotta drop in there, huh?
*Don't hate, just because it's corny doesn't mean it ain't valid...

I think I had a small revelation this week. For what seems like forever, I've been beating myself up for not writing more of my grander ideas down. I mean, I would start on them, write time lines, character backgrounds, even write some scenes and dialogue...but I'd kind of get a blank when I wanted to write something, and be full of ideas at the most inopportune times.

Well, in talking with the lil' homie Courtney Rae, I heard something simple yet profound. In a nutshell, she beat herself up for not writing more, or at all for a long time. Eventually, she stopped beating herself up for not writing, and in essence, that made her feel more inspired to write. I'm always looking for this magic space and time to write my graphic novels or screenplays, but those spaces seldom happen, if ever. Truthfully, there's little I can do to affect when those times can happen, or when I'll feel inspired. But i can be happy with the fact that everything is seasonal, and it's all about what you do in that season...that moment. I may not be writing scripts, but I am writing; and for now, it's coming to me naturally.

I haven't written poetry consistently in years, but I'm finally cool with that...because I know, that given time, I'll get back to that too. So, what do you know...but I wrote a scene to a script that I started working on in '05-'06. Which means I prolly had it in my head for a while longer than that (the overall concept, not the scene). Hell, I've had graphic novel concepts that go back to high school...wait, I started my first comic book that was eerily similar to "Spawn" in elementary school. Although, my character was a cast out of heaven, and not hell...but whatever.

Damn, is that kinda deep for an elementary school kid? Yeah, probably so... Oh, I happened to trip across Alice Smith's (her voice is incredible) debut CD via an online blog, and her song "Do I" is the snipsnamsnizzle! As my homegirl T.R. might say, I was fakely aware of her, I mean, I had seen the album cover and heard the song "New Religion", but I didn't know she was that dope. Her LP seems like a mixed bag, and it will probably have to grow on me as a whole, but I'm going to be getting it really soon. Sara Bareilles is also pretty fire, too. I kinda thought that her "Love Song" single would be that clever song that gets run into the ground (which it did), and that would be it, but she has some hot shit, and she has a dope voice...so, although I am late to the party, I will be looking forward to catching up.

Those two and Feist's "Let it Die" LP are going to be my next buy's...I've been in a music drought for a while, now. Maybe I'll cop them when The Dark Knoght (Batman) drops next week... I might have to get Batman in Blue Ray...I don't even own Blue Ray yet, but that may be the push I need...PS3's come with Blue Ray's...yum...

Ah well, dream a little dream.


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Now playing: Cameo - Back and Forth