So yeah, I had a talk w/ a friend a couple of days ago, and she opened my eyes to something- I really need to ease up on the ultra personal sharing in this journal.  As things would have it, this is how I manage things without kirking out and smacking somebody in their mouth, but I need to find another way to do that.  Call it growing up.  So, I will make it a point to limit my ultra personal stuff as it pertains to beef, unless it's necessary to clear things up. 
Ironically, some anonymous cat left a comment on my last journal entry, stating I "sound like a whinning bitch" (yup, with the typo).  I can see that.  But, this is my journal that I sign my name on and let people know my personal feelings, right or wrong... I may sound like one if you're not understanding that this journal captures everything (good or bad).  Clearly not one.  But I don't go read someone's journal and talk shit and not sign my name either.  That is pure corn.  Journals are supposed to capture happiness and frustration equally, but I appreciate the point, even if it was presented poorly.  So thank you anonymous internet gangster, point well taken.
One!

I woke up cursing this morning just after 5:15 am. Apparently, I’m still affected by my fall out with…I don’t know what to call her. She hasn’t acted like a friend…and I feel no love from her. For her, yes, but definitely not from her.

So right now, the wheels are turning inside my head, as I try to figure out why I’m in this place when I did it the right way this time. I stated my intentions clearly, was open about my feelings, good or bad. I didn’t mess around. All things I could have done since we were never a couple, but all things I didn’t want to because they didn’t get me anywhere.

So, right now I’m in my pissed stage. Almost entirely because I feel like there were things stolen from me in this mostly one-sided exchange, some of which I can never get back. It’s hard for me to trust people, mainly because those I let in tend to betray that trust. I let myself trust and feel, when instinct told me not to. Instinct often tells me not to, but it’s no fun to live like a robot.

Truly, I just want to make sense of all this, because there has to be a deeper lesson in all of this. The only way I could do so, is to get something this individual chose not to give: Honesty. In a relationship rife with all the clichés you find in syrupy tear jerker’s expressly written for the big screen, the roles were reversed…...and I knew it.

I never asked for a relationship. In truth, I simply asked where I stood...what I meant to her. I never got an answer. I got movie one liners and politician-like responses to direct questions. Hollow assurances and insincere apologies. Rather than approach the situation like I’ve approached so many others, I gave her the choice to be honest and let her decide whether or not she would betray me.

The question I have to ask is, why do the ones I care for most sell me out for dudes that are mirages? Seriously, this goes beyond intimate relationships…friends have done no less. Yet, I’m the one they often expect to clean up the pieces. What the hell…?

All I wanted…all I want, is sincere closure. The only way to get it is to have both parties be sincere. I’m tired of being tired. Of being underappreciated. Convincing myself to continue to be the good guy when it’d be so much easier to turn off my head and my heart and just be. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being betrayed. I just want to sleep without a wounded heart waking me at 5:15 screaming at the world. Am I asking for too much?

I have been slowly trying to get back to me.  I have been praying for the creative muse to hit me like a freight train.  I have been trying to look forward, and stop letting present circumstances affect me more than I believe they should.  It has not been easy, but it's a cause worth living for.  So I pray regularly for a heart committed to positive change and growth, creative motivation and drive, and for me to take the steps I need to take to get to where I want to be. 

I am really trying to put need in front of want, and just as importantly, learn how to better discern the difference between the two.  Like, I want to tell someone that I love them, even though they're an asshole sometimes, but I don't need to be treated with minimal regard.  I don't need to be bothered with nonsense, basically.

Point in case, if you had $5,000 drop out of the sky into your lap, what would you do with it?

So anyway, I came up with this (poem), and figured I should post it, in remembrance of what I hope to be the end of my creative drought.  So many people came to mind on this, and the poem felt like it could have gone in a myriad of directions (maybe it'll become a series...who knows), but this is where I felt it needed to go.

Little Girls, Little Boys

Little girls need their daddy’s
Need them to provide the example of what a man should and should not be
What to expect
What to tolerate
Just as little boys need them to understand how to treat a woman
And themselves
They need their daddy like I need a remedy for this reminiscing
Feeling my love for some is listing
So I’m listing what I do and don’t love
About those I love
When I was a little boy
My dad never showed me how to tie a tie
Or how to hold my hands in a fight
Never told me about the birds and bees
Nor how to separate true intent from smiling faces
So I learned these things in other places
I learned how to be guarded
Regarded any one who chose to get close to me as suspect
While letting those who can care less to be close to the vest
Dad never told me how to love me
I believe he was preoccupied with raising an outwardly strong man
And that some things he just didn’t understand because he didn’t really know himself
I don’t fault him for that
Because his father never showed him either
In truth
Maybe he was never supposed to show me how to do those things
Maybe my journey was preordained to have a certain amount of pain
Enabling me to progressively maneuver and maintain
Sustain myself through deluges of emotional rain
Just so I can change into a better me
Who is to know what will never be?
At the end of the day,
For better or for worse,
We find fragments of father and mother for every one that’s missing at home
And I was blessed to have two fathers by the time I was grown
So I was taught everything I should have known one way or the other
Between older sisters and younger brothers
Aunt’s, Uncles & Grand and birth Mothers
Friend’s that called me on my shit,
And supported me when I needed it
Experience that has helped me to see the folly of prior acts, and the strength of my character now
I bow in humility at the thought of what I know I will be
But am thankful for what I am right now
Pained. Healthy. Flawed. Resilient.
True, my dad never showed me how to love me
And I believe it’s because he didn’t know how to love himself
But we are both coming around to who we are,
And I
Wouldn’t have it any other way

10/23/2008

I'm at odds with a person or two that I care about because they've been acting like a self-centered ass, and so we haven't been on speaking terms. So naturally, I'm going to hit that analytical stage where I weigh everything...even the stuff that's been definitively weighed already.

So, a relative suggested that I create a laundry list of good and bad traits to better assess. I find what I've amassed interesting to say the least, but how much should be invested in this concept? What do you all think?

PS- this message/bored does take comments...if you like actually want to weigh in on this one, or any other journal entry for that matter.

Today has been so hectic, I haven't even had a real break to even type for 5 minutes.  In short, this weekend was pretty damn special to me.  I got a chance to kick it with some of the folks I went to college with.  A lot of feel good stuff, although I didn't go to any clubs with the family…  Even blew off the Redskins game to chill in Malcolm X park, drinking wine and laughing with my folks. 

Still getting used to flying solo, but all things in time.  Oh, this was the first weekend in who knows how long since I've had my head on a swivel or flirted.  Felt mildly awkward, but it was fun nonetheless.  Don't know what the next steps are, but I hope to God they are deliberate.  I don't want to backslide; I like me much better when I'm committed to something.  An uncommitted Lee is often an undisciplined Lee…not a good look.

Anyway, although I didn't get to see everybody I would have like to this weekend, I saw who I needed to see this weekend, and that's good enough for me.  Every time I do chill w/ my folks, I get a great deal of perspective, an opportunity to reflect on personal and group growth.  That, coupled with the last year and change of familial/social turbulence (good and bad) has let me know that I've grown a great deal, and for that, I feel eternally blessed.  And for that, I am humbled, and thankful…

Shalom.

So ummm, I am recently just getting into Pandora, which I think is pretty dope. It can't see my iPod, but since my headphones short out every time I get a new pair, it'll do for now. For those who don't know, Pandora.com is a free online music playing service that kinda creates a DNA code for music, allowing it to play like-minded artists of virtually whomever you type in. For example, if I listen to Goapele, it'll figure that I will also like Floetry, Lina, Erykah Badu, etc. If I type in Esthero, it'll pull up Bjork, Portishead, SiSe and Jem just to name a few. Each artist or song you plug in creates a new station that plays unto itself, or you can mix multiple stations if you like.

Now, the initial novelty of the idea is impressive, as it plays a pretty diverse range of music that you can rate, skip, or buy for your iPod (or other MP3 player) if you so choose. The problem is, the music eventually loops, and when it does, it plays a lot of the same songs over. Not to mention, Erykah Badu comes up if I play Maxwell, Tony! Toni! Tone!, or Goapele…often. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Badu is one of my favorite new school R&B acts, but damn…

So anyway, I plugged in Bob Marley today and my only thought was, don't start off with "Jammin'"…it's like that quintessential song that gets played on commercials or in movies, and as a result, isn't one of my favorite tracks from Bob. What did Pandora play out of the cornucopia of songs Bob has recorded? Yup, "Jammin'".

Anyway, I need this music to make my day move faster. Work and no music is like dry intercourse…even if you want to, you can't enjoy it. You know what, that was funny. LOL. On that note, I need to just stop typing. Yeah, that's probably best…

Come on 4 o'clock, wit' yo bad ass!

So yeah, I couldn't sleep last night…rather this morning. Plain and simple, there are people (plural) who constantly take my friendship and loyalty for granted; Some go way too far. I can tolerate many things, but don't lie, and don't be flaky, but more importantly, don't lie to me! I've been so full of emotion the last couple of days, I can feel that my blood pressure is prolly high, and my blood pressure is never high. My heart is beating mad hard…and my temper is hella short. I have a wall I need to repair now because I kind of lost it for a sec, it's not a hole or anything, but still.

(and) Because I woke up @ 4 in the morning and it was clear I wouldn't be getting back to sleep, I wound up at work two hours earlier than normal today. I'm beyond my level right now, and the wrong thing, or the wrong comment…is not a good look right now. Pray for me ya'll, cause I'm not in a healthy place emotionally, spiritually, or mentally, which is throwing me off physically right now.

Maybe,
Just maybe I needed a friend and you made the decision to stop calling or picking up the phone
Maybe I wanted to come spend time with you, but you were never home
Maybe I needed you to see me as someone other than the boy I was years ago
Maybe I needed you to see that even I could grow
Maybe I needed you to believe in me
to not sell me short
Maybe I had a thing for you
Maybe I see something that I want to keep in nearly every woman I get close to
but maybe I had found what I needed in you
Maybe I was a fool
Maybe I was a bit too skeptical
Or maybe I see pass the guards and facades into something beautiful
Maybe I am just a dreamer, the Roy Orbison type
Or maybe I just a neophyte who needs to live a bit more life
Maybe I'm tired and weary
battered by life
but too stubborn to quit because quitting just doesn't sit right
Maybe I deserve better, and maybe I don't
but in this moment I choose this
in the, future who's to say I won't?
Maybe we are all just a little bit full of shit
Maybe we hold back on what we feel and what we meant
so if that is the case
maybe this is my fiber supplement

I have recently realized something, as in just now. More so, become aware of something, as I pretty much knew, just on a more subconscious level. That realization is simple: If I go against myself and let somebody in, let them take root...the hole they can leave is gaping.
It leaves me to question why I even do this? Is it it to make myself better, or is it to actually say that I've lived and loved.
Perhaps it's to serve as proof that I am indeed human, and do need o need...connection. Real connection. Even if it turns out to be a lie.
I'd like to think that I've gotten better at this, and in truth, I probably have. But it doesn't make the hardship any easier to bear. Sure you can sit back and say that, "Hey, I've done this before"m but, that doesn't necessarily make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside either.
I'd like this to matter, less, but realistically speaking...it's the details that determine whether or not it's a piece of crap or a masterpiece. I guess the lesson here is, there's no such thing as a sure bet. Hell, the "sure bets" can be the most costly mistakes when they don't pan out. The current mortgage mess and the New England Patriots losing to the Giants (of all teams) are perfect examples.
So the question is, where to now? Well, in the words of Bruce Wayne at the end of Batman Begins, "We rebuild". However, we can also take from Alfred who suggests making some improvements in the process of rebuilding. Which is what I plan to do.
At the end of the day, before I can bitch about anybodies attitude towards me, I have to be able to fairly assess my attitude towards me by better evaluating the way I choose to invest my energy, love, and time.
Life is too short for all the bullshit.
Live. Learn. Grow.

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Now playing: Devin The Dude - Sticky Green
via FoxyTunes