Open Wounds: Praying for Closure
I woke up cursing this morning just after 5:15 am. Apparently, I’m still affected by my fall out with…I don’t know what to call her. She hasn’t acted like a friend…and I feel no love from her. For her, yes, but definitely not from her.
So right now, the wheels are turning inside my head, as I try to figure out why I’m in this place when I did it the right way this time. I stated my intentions clearly, was open about my feelings, good or bad. I didn’t mess around. All things I could have done since we were never a couple, but all things I didn’t want to because they didn’t get me anywhere.
So, right now I’m in my pissed stage. Almost entirely because I feel like there were things stolen from me in this mostly one-sided exchange, some of which I can never get back. It’s hard for me to trust people, mainly because those I let in tend to betray that trust. I let myself trust and feel, when instinct told me not to. Instinct often tells me not to, but it’s no fun to live like a robot.
Truly, I just want to make sense of all this, because there has to be a deeper lesson in all of this. The only way I could do so, is to get something this individual chose not to give: Honesty. In a relationship rife with all the clichés you find in syrupy tear jerker’s expressly written for the big screen, the roles were reversed…...and I knew it.
I never asked for a relationship. In truth, I simply asked where I stood...what I meant to her. I never got an answer. I got movie one liners and politician-like responses to direct questions. Hollow assurances and insincere apologies. Rather than approach the situation like I’ve approached so many others, I gave her the choice to be honest and let her decide whether or not she would betray me.
The question I have to ask is, why do the ones I care for most sell me out for dudes that are mirages? Seriously, this goes beyond intimate relationships…friends have done no less. Yet, I’m the one they often expect to clean up the pieces. What the hell…?
All I wanted…all I want, is sincere closure. The only way to get it is to have both parties be sincere. I’m tired of being tired. Of being underappreciated. Convincing myself to continue to be the good guy when it’d be so much easier to turn off my head and my heart and just be. Tired of being lied to. Tired of being betrayed. I just want to sleep without a wounded heart waking me at 5:15 screaming at the world. Am I asking for too much?
posted by Lee (the Poet) a.k.a. illpoet #7 @ 8:20 AM
7 Comments:
You sound like a whinning bitch
...and you sound like you can't spell. But I see your point though.
It's funny how people connect through circumstances and situations. I'm a female and in reading this journal entry, I thought to myself,"yup I've been there". I've always had this notion that men don't necessarily look for closure, they just move on to the next person. I've also always believed that men aren't as emotional as women. With that being said, you have to ask yourself exactly what is closure? Are you just searching for some sort of feedback from her that will make you think that she still wants to be with you?
Honestly, although I love the young lady a lot, I'm through stressin' over the situation, and I told her as much. That entry was the last gasp so to speak. What will be, will be. If we come to an understanding of some sort (your guess would be as good as mine as to what understanding could be had on the matter, really), cool. If not, cool.
Closure for me, I think, was just trying to understand motive and intent. The two weren't clear in my mind, but I don't think they were clear in hers either...which actually makes me feel better in many ways. Because I said I won't air certain personal issues out like that anymore, I will say that things are "cordial, yet tenuous".
Love doesn't dissipate over night, si I don't hate her or have any ill will. I'm cool, and I hope she is too. All a learning process, right?
Thanks for commenting!
One!
Bitchassness is a disease nigga... soft corny ass nigga.
Slim. Real talk, I don't know what I did to put you on fan status, but relax yourself. See, this is an actual journal, so sometimes when I vent, shit can come off as corny. I get that. In fact, that's one of the reasons I do this. Because I can look back and evaluate how I think.
Now, if you are the same anonymous from before, you made a good point in a fucked up way, but a good point nonetheless. I'm real enough to admit that, which is why I left your comment up in the first place. But, as I have already said, I can actually sign my name and stand behind what I say or write, for better or for worse. One journal entry don't make or break me my dude, and I'm not quoting Puffy (of all people), anonymously trying to play someone on their journal. That kinda defines bitchassness.
But, it's all good my dude. If my writes bother you that much, you can start your own blog on your own website that you pay for and write all about it. But you don't have to bring it this way.
So to be clear, I'm not dissin', I'm just sayin'...if it's that deep, I wouldn't even feel the need to write a comment on another dude's journal about his apparent bitchassness. If it's like that, you don't have to read cuz, for real. No, seriously, though. So with that, I'ma genuinely say I said my piece/peace, and follow that up with a sincere "God Bless"
God Bless
signed,
Lee (the Poet)
Illpoet#7, I read some of your blog entries and this one stood out the most because it actually had folks responding ....and it was pretty juicy :-) To me it sounds like this young lady did you a favor by leaving your life. Liars never prosper and if you were honest with yourself, what did you really lose by her exiting your life. Once a liar always a liar. Remember this quote: "Rejection is God's protection". God protected you from her...I know I'm about a year late, but incase someone like this pops into your life again, you already know the signs. A Zebra doesnt change its stripes.
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