One of the struggles I have of maintaining this journal, aside from actually writing in it on a regular basis, is making sure I can write a coherent entry that not only I can get, but you can too. Don't get it twisted, I write this for me, but who I am today may not be who I am tomorrow. No, that's not some schizophrenic double-talk (ha), but rather the hopes that I will continually evolve. While I can read my journal and recall what happen upon reading, I may not be able to relate to the train of thought...which could be good and/or bad. But I digress...
The focus of the journal entry, well, is in the title. I think that I, as I suspect many of you, am guilty of making many of the wrong things about me. Okay, I'm already losing my future self, let me elaborate:
Sometimes we, rather I, can become too attached to a situation from my perspective, which can hinder me from more diplomatically handling a situation. Case in point- if you're in a relationship, and it's falling apart all around you, it's often hard to look at your part in the demise of that relationship. Hard but not impossible.
Even more difficult, is the ability to not project past history and learning experiences on new events and relationships. Just because something bears astounding similarities to something else, doesn't mean they are the same or that they should be treated as such. For me, I realize that I am an extremely loyal friend, and as such, I can take it personally when someone doesn't appreciate that. I am not the best at calling people, but I do make efforts to keep the lines of communication open if it's been a bit too long since I've last heard from you. Many of those I know who read this entry, I'm sure can recall me dropping an email or phone call or two out of the blue if I haven't heard from you in a bit, just to see how you're doing. I find that if I feel someone I care about is being unappreciative, I behave differently. I can be impatient, or rude, but not intentionally so. I am reacting to past situations, that I may still be a bit "touchy" over. However, that doesn't mean that I should allow my past relationships to cloud my judgment and how I carry myself in current or future relationships. Sure, they may be unappreciative or disloyal, or, they may be going through something themselves. If it's the former, what can I do to really change that? All I can do is wish them well and continue to try to be a better me. But, heaven forbid if it is the latter, I may have done a friend a disservice, not to mention myself by responding to something that already happened as opposed to what's happening now (80's TV show reference or coincidence?).
I know at times I can oscillate between selfless and selfish, and I really am trying to find the balance between the two, or at least the formula for when I should be either selfish or selfless. Hey, sometimes it's justified, and sometimes it's downright sad.
Pushing for understanding,
Lee (the Poet)
PS- Lee the Poet: v.4.0 coming sooner than you think...

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