…I had some things I wanted to write down, but now, I can hardly remember what those things were. Ever do something, that seemed to make sense before you did it, but leaves nothing but questions after? Yeah, well, me too.
There are some things I’m trying to make sense of, but I need a little time to do so. Basically (to fill you all in), there’s a young lady I’ve consciously decided to pursue. Not trying to make her my wife or anything, but willing to try to build with her…see where it leads. She confessed she’s happy being single, which I can respect. All a brother is trying to do is put his bid in, I guess. We’ve expressed that we are attracted to each other, which for me to do, is not always the easiest thing to do. I’m really trying to open up these days, though.
I just hate playing games, especially if I don’t know or like the rules of said game. What gets me all tied up is the fact I’m in my head to much when I’m around her. For instance, I felt I should have held her hand when we went out this past weekend, but I over thought the whole damn thing. I sometimes don’t know what to say or when. Ha. You know, those awkward moments where you either find something to say or just shut the hell up and enjoy the silence? Yeah. I like her, man.
Problem is, I think she is either guarded when it comes to me, or she may be playing games. I could be wrong on both counts, but, I don’t know what else to think. I figure, if you like someone, or want something, you make an attempt to make something happen. I’m not seeing the reciprocity. Not saying that it’s not there, I’m just saying I don’t see it. Anyways, I dig this young lady something serious, but have no interest in playing myself in the process. However, because I dig her, I’m not quite ready to say the hell with it either.
I just get the feeling that she thinks I’m trying to game her. Even worse, I’ve told her that I have no game, which is damn true, but may sound like game. I’m pretty sure she thinks I have ulterior motives, but I’m actually not tripping too hard off of her on the physical side. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was feeling her from the moment I laid eyes on her, but I I’m digging getting to know her. Not to mention we have a great deal in common. She’s very much my type, although I don’t really have a type anymore; but, I’m digging on her more than just being a pretty face and a nice body. Her idiosyncrasies turn me on for crying out loud. And THIS, isn’t even me being open off of her, although it could very well happen.
This is all new to me, in the sense that I don’t really put in work or anything. I’m more of a go with the flow guy, to a certain extent. I’m taking initiative, and it’s kind of disconcerting when you don’t see results. This past year has taught me some things: 1) I don’t like being single and 2) I wasn’t necessarily afraid of commitment as much as I was to committing to the wrong situation. I’m the type of dude who will hang in a bad situation just because I committed to it, regardless of how the situation got messed up. I simply hate quitting on something I believe has a chance to get better. On the contrary, I hate feeling like I’m doing all the work while someone else is just kicking their feet up.
Reservations regarding commitment aren’t really an issue anymore, I guess; so long as I’m committed to the right person. Now, I just want someone to be honest and have my back. I wouldn’t expect any less, as I would certainly be the same way with her. I think this young lady could be that way, but I can’t really read her like I can most. Part of me likes that….hell, it’s a turn on even. But, part of me hates it, too. Who’s to know what’s what if I can’t read anything right? All in all, I’m just trying to figure what I’m going to do about all of this. I mean, I’m so direct, most people think I’m B.S.ing or joking sometimes. That, or they’re offended. 9 times outta 10, I don’t mean to be offensive, because that’s not the type of dude I am. I just don’t know how to speak my heart and my mind at the same time.
If I speak my mind, it’s so direct and I don’t know, unaffected, that it just seems cold. I’m just speaking from the mind, though. Even worse, when I speak from the heart, it can be sincere and heartfelt, yet come out muddled and confusing. I’m often ill-equipped to speak my heart in the moment…needing time to process and figure out what the right thing to say is. More importantly, identifying what the wrong things to say may be, and trying not to say them.
Anyway, this is all a good thing either way. I’m not trying to duck emotional bullets anymore. I’m trying to live through this mess called bachelorhood, until I find someone worth being with for a while. A year ago, this was so not me. I guess you can grow past your own limitations with a little living and a little prayer, huh? Say word.

My mind has been racing. Seriously. I had at least 10 different aspects of my life that I anted to address in this entry. I’ll be happy if I can get around to two or three. What woke me up initially was the headache I’ve had for the last 24 hours or so, but what’s kept me up is something totally different. What has me awake is my life. And the question (or should I say questions): When do I accept my destiny.
You see, I know prayer to be a powerful thing. That’s why, if I never stepped foot in a church again, I still feel I could make it through this life as a good man who knows where he needs to be. I was given a hell of a blueprint. My parents, step-parents included, have illustrated a tremendous foundation for everything I should and should not be. But, I digress. This entry is about destiny.
Destiny. It’s a funny word, because it means that one is entitled to something. And who am I to be entitled to anything? I know God has chosen me for something big. Something real. Instead of figuring out what that something is, I’ve often questioned why he’d chosen me at all.
With me, I tend to make the right decision. A lot of times, those decisions don’t have to do anything with my happiness, or ensuring it, but I make them nonetheless. Because after all, I’m SUCH a principled dude. The ONE thing I have trouble with is the ONE thing that I could have right now if I only stopped getting in my own way: a woman. Better yet, THE woman.
I’m a strong believer in the thought that we live the lives we believe we deserve. The pain and confusion we have in our lives is often of our own doing because spiritually and subconsciously, there are experiences we need, to prepare us for our own crossroads. If we got to the crossroads in our life, and there are many, but I mean THE crossroads, and made the right or wrong decision, it wouldn’t have any significance because we haven’t had any storms. Our actions and actions bring storms in and out of our lives. It is how we behave and believe in these times that define us. As children of God- be it Christians, Muslim, whatever.
I…am at a crossroads. I have been doing a job that I’m not passionate about. That’s very different from what I love, but, has the potential to better provide for me financially. I have not been applying to jobs in my field not because I love the job I’m in, but, because I’m a simple man. Simple in the fact that I don’t need to make thousands of dollars each month to be happy (that and I got sick of people asking for Phd's or 15 years of experience I've been doing for years now). If I had a gig that was graphic design related, where I was able to use my vision and make a bit of a difference…I’d probably never look to progress in my field beyond that job. I could stay in a job that paid $65k, if it meant I got a chance to design on my terms…but that, isn’t enough. Not because it’s a money issue, but because I’d be hiding from who I am, and, that is not meant for me. Quite frankly, neither is the job I’m in right now, but, this is where I am supposed to be for now. I can rely on the fact that I take pride in providing for myself seriously enough to get me through the day, but, there is something on the other side, I can feel it. Confident in the fact that I am supposed to use this opportunity to put me on my path.
You see. I am a dreamer. And I’ve been asking a question of myself almost my entire adult life that I never dared or even thought to ask when I was a child: Who am I to dream? As a child, the attitude was quite contrary to what I am now. It was more so, who am I not to dream? This job I’ve been doing has taken me off-centre. I am not the man I have known. Instead, I come home and think of great things, but don’t commit to them. I envision entire books and scenes, and don’t do anything with them. And I’m tired. Tired because I know many of the things I do are self-sabotage. Self-sabotage because I’m used to not being happy, or accepting what is given because I’m unassuming… Which is why I could accept laying down with a woman based upon nothing more than physical attraction. Self-sabotage. But this won’t bring me closer to HER. Hell, not approaching a women based upon the fact that you like her for more than physical means, but because she turns you on emotionally…creatively, is self-sabotage. Allowing yourself to fall into the background because you’re too unassuming to shine is self-sabotage…and if God disapproves of what I’ve been doing, I think he does more for this than anything.
See, seeing as though I’m all self-aware and what not (can you feel the sarcasm?), He knows when I’m sorry, as He’s aware when I self sabotage. But, I wasn’t really aware that’s what I was doing until this morning. I owe it to myself, to my mother, to my nieces and nephews, to do more than just dream. I owe it to myself to do something about it. To step out on faith and build towards those dreams. This was not a crossroads of crises, but of choice. I choose to acknowledge that God has a bigger plan for me. Choose not to turn a blind eye towards this acknowledgement, but, to find a way to embrace it. I choose to pursue who I think will make me happy, even if it’s finite. I choose to be better than who I am right now, simply by committing to who I was when I was innocent to the ways of the world: a dreamer. It’s just my eyes are wide open now, and now, I can finally do something to make them real.