Okay, it's been a while since I've logged in a journal entry, and for that I apologize. I have been contending with life, and of course, contending with decisions I've made. Contending with my past actions, and, to a degree, ny past inactions. It's a reflective state of introspection I'm often in, but at points, really in. So anyway, I have been ripping and running to try to get some balance back in my life, and haven't been paying much to certain things. I am a man who easily gets tunnel vision. I focus on one thing until that's all I see...and sometimes, that's when I miss my blessings. I don't attend church as oft as I should, but this will be a sermon of sorts. Strictly my opinion of course, mind you.
As a background, I was raised in the church on both sides, but with different senisbilities. By my mother, there were different church homes as we move from place to place. Maybe a baptist church for a few years, followed by A.M.E. My father, however, went to this presbytarian church in Baltimore, which I never liked. Had nothing really to do with the church, but everything to do with the congregation. I couldn't feel God in any of them. They were a bunch of stuffy old people who turned their noses up at children, judged others religiously, and loved attention. It was primarily my constant experience with this church that allowed me to feel comfortable about asking questions about things you were supposed to mindlessly accept.
I never really bough into the Adam & Eve story once I started to think my own thoughts... It suggested that the human woman was an afterthought, incest, and was contradictory in ther ways. But, my church home where my mother was, cemented me spiritually. I am not the most religious person, because I believe that religion is dangerous; it carries the idea that "...someone has to be wrong, and it's not me..." Too manny have died for this reason alone. But I digress. I, am a spirritual person, and still believe in the teachings of Jesus, or Yeshua, if you don't mind. I'm not bent out of shape over the Da Vinci Code. I mean, what would it change, really? Jesus couldn't marry? Jesus couldn't be a man? Honestly, He never came here to have people follow him, but his example. I think we all lose sight of that sometimes. This is th man who washed the feet of His disciples. Again, I digress.
I've been noticing something lately, and as a result, it's something I have been working on. I believe that prayer is a very powerful and real thing, and that prayer can solve anything. The problem for me is, I have at times prayed for things that I know I need strength to change, but haven't been steadfast in. In other words, praying half-heartedly or with an inincere heart. I feel it's one of the worst things you can do, and I am guilty of it. Doing so, you acknowledge two things. One, that there is something that you do indeed need to change in your life. Two, that you don't have full intent of changing it. So why pray about it then? I am trying to eradicte this from my life, because in the long run, I'm blocking my blessings.
See, I've personally seen so many shady churches, I don't know if I'll ever look for a church to attend on a regular basis, but, prayer is just between me and God. How can I pray half way with God? A being who knows everything? And the kicker is, I pride myself on being real with God, who is a part of me. So in a very real sense, whenever I do this, I'm not being real with myself either. Asking for strength to avoid temptation with that chick I know I don't need to mess with, when I don't want that strength...I want her. A slippery slope, but I'm trying to get my bearings right.
So question: Big hypothetical question for Christians- If Jesus were nothing more than a man, how would that affect your faith?
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As my journal approaches it's 500th entry, I'll try to be a little less surface, and really write down some private thoughts...okay, some really private thoughts.