I had a dream of one of my former muses last night, wonder what it means.

I've been playing around with a concept lately. Simple actually. The concept is as follows: Maybe I find it so difficult to give myself completely to any one thing or person because I give so much of myself on the most basic levels.
Sounds really simply, right? It is, and it isn't. I mean, folks tend to either love me or hate me, but, anybody who knows me knows I'm a good dude who'll hold you down. I'm not perfect, but, from the gate I "keep it real". In a social setting, although awkward, I'm still me. That sounds so simple, but it's RARE to find someone who is who they are from the moment they meet you. Most people give you pieces of them, and eventually, you get to see who they are. Now, as I've matured, I've tried to tone it down a bit, BUT, I'm not going to stop being me. I understand, though, it's kind of hard to get the whole package from the get-go.
Which leads me to part one of my dialogue with self, I believe it's time for me to cut it back. Maybe it's time to concede an just do like everybody else does to a degree and "phone it in". It's a draining thing to start off at 100% and have to maintain it...and for what? Most of the people we encounter in life will never be TRUE friends, so why give so much for so little in return? Seriously, nearly everybody will take it for granted over time. So, I'm going to try not to let people know what I'm thinking or give my opinion so much, because after all, there's a good chance you may not even care. Now, some may be thinking, "What the fuck happened to Lee that he's lunchin' like this". Life dude. And that's not always a bad thing. All I'm saying is, I need to decide more intelligently who and what I invest in.
Now, part two of my dialogue with self went something like this:
You have to understand, this isn't what I wanted. I never thought that THIS, would cause such a rift. Create such distance. And I'm wondering, was it all worth it. As much as it hurts to admit, "Yes", it was. Cause see, there is clarity in this. Actions, do indeed speak louder than words...and you have spoken volumes with your decided silence. You have taught me a powerful lesson, "that time has nothing to do with it". It never did. And I'm fine with that, I truly am. I just thought that after all the time spent, it would have been worth more...treated with more respect. That maybe you could move beyond yourself and move towards something other than the growing expanse between us.
At the end of the day, as much as I've fucked up, I've done nothing wrong. I was man enough to claim my misdeeds, my shortcomings and transgressions. I never pawned them off on anybody else, just hoped you'd actually make a stand. For once speak up on what it was that you wanted. Believe it or not, I'm glad you finally did. I understand it was a big step. You just went about it in the wrong way, and that is where the rift came in. I didn't lie, or mislead, sell false hopes...I've been on the other side of that, and I never liked being on the receiving end of it. Things are good for you I hear, and I know things you wouldn't necessarily think I know...but, I'm sure you know that. We could always read each other.
But, THIS, will not go away for you. Not dealing with this does not exonerate you of any wrong doing. The irony is, I pushed you into something that neither of us wanted. The difference is, I stood on principle while you stood on pride. All you had to sat, was what you felt. That's all I ever wanted. Honestly, that's the one thing that's hardest to do. To lay yourself bare and not know what the response is going to be.
So where does this leave "US". Well, I guess with the understanding that love is a fearless thing. It's not healthy to love with reservations, or insecurities. So from now on, I'm going to love like my back is against the wall...starting with myself. This, is what you would call a changing of the guard. A doing away with old things. More simply put, a metamorphosis. I can't say I really know where this will lead, although we know I'm uncanny at figuring out the plot before it's all said and done. Way I figure it, I actually have options, and I'll exercise them with better judgment now. I'm just glad that at the end of the day, I can walk away knowing I tried. That I, can sleep without regrets...and everybody, lives the life they think they deserve. My forgiveness means nothings if you never felt there was any wrong done on your part. My forgiveness means nothing, if you can't forgive yourself.

Be good to yourself, ya'll...you can't expect anybody else to be good to you if you don't show them how. Not saying it can't happen, just don't bet on it.

Hmmmm, didn't realize that so much time had passed since my last (pseudo) entry. Sheesh. I've really been zonin' out the last couple of weeks. Some big decisions have been made, and Now I'm in the process of determining the best way to execute them. Needless to say, when I do actually begin said execution of plans, I will be rather scarce. Anyway, I went to Mocha Hut last Thursday, and ran into a couple of folks I hadn't seen in a while, or, rarely see. Got a chance to chat a bit with Rebecca and Charneice, who I only see occasionally. Rebecca told me that she is getting ready to graduate in May! Wow!!! That makes me feel older...not old, just older. So, Charli Brown and Rebecca are both making that big walk, that's what's up! Also, I ran into this young lady with an adorable smile who was like, "I know you from somewhere." Me not really knowing where that could be, she asked, "Do you know the illpoets?" Now, I was going to play it off, but Bru was laughing like, "That's his site!" She was like, "Oh, you came out to my school when I was in 11th grade. Suitland".
I then stated that I remembered that, and that Suitland was actually my old school, too. I then made the mistake of asking what she was doing, to which she responded, "I was up at Howard for two years, but now I'm..."
Waitaminute, you were in 11th grade at the time, and since then, you've done two years at Howard before going into some military stuff? Geez, how old am I? Wow. It was impressive that she remembered anything at all. More impressive was the fact that she remembered Patrick's poem, "Prince Jones' County", which is still a favorite of mine.
Just goes to show, you never know the impact you make.
I remember one time (at band camp...sorry, couldn't resist), during my first year of teaching, a parent came up to me, "Mr. Bennett, I wan to thank you. I don't know what you said to them, but they came home and took off their fake fingernails, and threw away blah, blah, blah". Now, I don't say blah, blah blah as in I don't care, more like, I don't remember the particulars that well anymore. And you know what, I still don't know what I did or said to make those two young ladies change their perception.
On second thought, perhaps, I shouldn't allow myself to be but so scarce, huh? Hmmm, we'll see...