My mind has been racing. Seriously. I had at least 10 different aspects of my life that I anted to address in this entry. I’ll be happy if I can get around to two or three. What woke me up initially was the headache I’ve had for the last 24 hours or so, but what’s kept me up is something totally different. What has me awake is my life. And the question (or should I say questions): When do I accept my destiny.
You see, I know prayer to be a powerful thing. That’s why, if I never stepped foot in a church again, I still feel I could make it through this life as a good man who knows where he needs to be. I was given a hell of a blueprint. My parents, step-parents included, have illustrated a tremendous foundation for everything I should and should not be. But, I digress. This entry is about destiny.
Destiny. It’s a funny word, because it means that one is entitled to something. And who am I to be entitled to anything? I know God has chosen me for something big. Something real. Instead of figuring out what that something is, I’ve often questioned why he’d chosen me at all.
With me, I tend to make the right decision. A lot of times, those decisions don’t have to do anything with my happiness, or ensuring it, but I make them nonetheless. Because after all, I’m SUCH a principled dude. The ONE thing I have trouble with is the ONE thing that I could have right now if I only stopped getting in my own way: a woman. Better yet, THE woman.
I’m a strong believer in the thought that we live the lives we believe we deserve. The pain and confusion we have in our lives is often of our own doing because spiritually and subconsciously, there are experiences we need, to prepare us for our own crossroads. If we got to the crossroads in our life, and there are many, but I mean THE crossroads, and made the right or wrong decision, it wouldn’t have any significance because we haven’t had any storms. Our actions and actions bring storms in and out of our lives. It is how we behave and believe in these times that define us. As children of God- be it Christians, Muslim, whatever.
I…am at a crossroads. I have been doing a job that I’m not passionate about. That’s very different from what I love, but, has the potential to better provide for me financially. I have not been applying to jobs in my field not because I love the job I’m in, but, because I’m a simple man. Simple in the fact that I don’t need to make thousands of dollars each month to be happy (that and I got sick of people asking for Phd's or 15 years of experience I've been doing for years now). If I had a gig that was graphic design related, where I was able to use my vision and make a bit of a difference…I’d probably never look to progress in my field beyond that job. I could stay in a job that paid $65k, if it meant I got a chance to design on my terms…but that, isn’t enough. Not because it’s a money issue, but because I’d be hiding from who I am, and, that is not meant for me. Quite frankly, neither is the job I’m in right now, but, this is where I am supposed to be for now. I can rely on the fact that I take pride in providing for myself seriously enough to get me through the day, but, there is something on the other side, I can feel it. Confident in the fact that I am supposed to use this opportunity to put me on my path.
You see. I am a dreamer. And I’ve been asking a question of myself almost my entire adult life that I never dared or even thought to ask when I was a child: Who am I to dream? As a child, the attitude was quite contrary to what I am now. It was more so, who am I not to dream? This job I’ve been doing has taken me off-centre. I am not the man I have known. Instead, I come home and think of great things, but don’t commit to them. I envision entire books and scenes, and don’t do anything with them. And I’m tired. Tired because I know many of the things I do are self-sabotage. Self-sabotage because I’m used to not being happy, or accepting what is given because I’m unassuming… Which is why I could accept laying down with a woman based upon nothing more than physical attraction. Self-sabotage. But this won’t bring me closer to HER. Hell, not approaching a women based upon the fact that you like her for more than physical means, but because she turns you on emotionally…creatively, is self-sabotage. Allowing yourself to fall into the background because you’re too unassuming to shine is self-sabotage…and if God disapproves of what I’ve been doing, I think he does more for this than anything.
See, seeing as though I’m all self-aware and what not (can you feel the sarcasm?), He knows when I’m sorry, as He’s aware when I self sabotage. But, I wasn’t really aware that’s what I was doing until this morning. I owe it to myself, to my mother, to my nieces and nephews, to do more than just dream. I owe it to myself to do something about it. To step out on faith and build towards those dreams. This was not a crossroads of crises, but of choice. I choose to acknowledge that God has a bigger plan for me. Choose not to turn a blind eye towards this acknowledgement, but, to find a way to embrace it. I choose to pursue who I think will make me happy, even if it’s finite. I choose to be better than who I am right now, simply by committing to who I was when I was innocent to the ways of the world: a dreamer. It’s just my eyes are wide open now, and now, I can finally do something to make them real.