…I had some things I wanted to write down, but now, I can hardly remember what those things were. Ever do something, that seemed to make sense before you did it, but leaves nothing but questions after? Yeah, well, me too.
There are some things I’m trying to make sense of, but I need a little time to do so. Basically (to fill you all in), there’s a young lady I’ve consciously decided to pursue. Not trying to make her my wife or anything, but willing to try to build with her…see where it leads. She confessed she’s happy being single, which I can respect. All a brother is trying to do is put his bid in, I guess. We’ve expressed that we are attracted to each other, which for me to do, is not always the easiest thing to do. I’m really trying to open up these days, though.
I just hate playing games, especially if I don’t know or like the rules of said game. What gets me all tied up is the fact I’m in my head to much when I’m around her. For instance, I felt I should have held her hand when we went out this past weekend, but I over thought the whole damn thing. I sometimes don’t know what to say or when. Ha. You know, those awkward moments where you either find something to say or just shut the hell up and enjoy the silence? Yeah. I like her, man.
Problem is, I think she is either guarded when it comes to me, or she may be playing games. I could be wrong on both counts, but, I don’t know what else to think. I figure, if you like someone, or want something, you make an attempt to make something happen. I’m not seeing the reciprocity. Not saying that it’s not there, I’m just saying I don’t see it. Anyways, I dig this young lady something serious, but have no interest in playing myself in the process. However, because I dig her, I’m not quite ready to say the hell with it either.
I just get the feeling that she thinks I’m trying to game her. Even worse, I’ve told her that I have no game, which is damn true, but may sound like game. I’m pretty sure she thinks I have ulterior motives, but I’m actually not tripping too hard off of her on the physical side. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was feeling her from the moment I laid eyes on her, but I I’m digging getting to know her. Not to mention we have a great deal in common. She’s very much my type, although I don’t really have a type anymore; but, I’m digging on her more than just being a pretty face and a nice body. Her idiosyncrasies turn me on for crying out loud. And THIS, isn’t even me being open off of her, although it could very well happen.
This is all new to me, in the sense that I don’t really put in work or anything. I’m more of a go with the flow guy, to a certain extent. I’m taking initiative, and it’s kind of disconcerting when you don’t see results. This past year has taught me some things: 1) I don’t like being single and 2) I wasn’t necessarily afraid of commitment as much as I was to committing to the wrong situation. I’m the type of dude who will hang in a bad situation just because I committed to it, regardless of how the situation got messed up. I simply hate quitting on something I believe has a chance to get better. On the contrary, I hate feeling like I’m doing all the work while someone else is just kicking their feet up.
Reservations regarding commitment aren’t really an issue anymore, I guess; so long as I’m committed to the right person. Now, I just want someone to be honest and have my back. I wouldn’t expect any less, as I would certainly be the same way with her. I think this young lady could be that way, but I can’t really read her like I can most. Part of me likes that….hell, it’s a turn on even. But, part of me hates it, too. Who’s to know what’s what if I can’t read anything right? All in all, I’m just trying to figure what I’m going to do about all of this. I mean, I’m so direct, most people think I’m B.S.ing or joking sometimes. That, or they’re offended. 9 times outta 10, I don’t mean to be offensive, because that’s not the type of dude I am. I just don’t know how to speak my heart and my mind at the same time.
If I speak my mind, it’s so direct and I don’t know, unaffected, that it just seems cold. I’m just speaking from the mind, though. Even worse, when I speak from the heart, it can be sincere and heartfelt, yet come out muddled and confusing. I’m often ill-equipped to speak my heart in the moment…needing time to process and figure out what the right thing to say is. More importantly, identifying what the wrong things to say may be, and trying not to say them.
Anyway, this is all a good thing either way. I’m not trying to duck emotional bullets anymore. I’m trying to live through this mess called bachelorhood, until I find someone worth being with for a while. A year ago, this was so not me. I guess you can grow past your own limitations with a little living and a little prayer, huh? Say word.