Okay, that was kinda weird, but hey, whatever. I was supposed to write a journal entry about my inability to find any creative spark to my writing as of late, hence the reason I haven't been logging journal entries in like that. And then, 7 minutes or so later, would you look at that? Wow. That can be interpreted in a number of ways. I in no means intend to tell you, whoever "you" may be, what to interpret. But, it's an admission I have not been willing to make to myself for a while. I've often talked about my feelings regarding commitment, etc. How I don't want to have my heart broken, etc. Well, that's already happened, so, whatever. But, it is an admission of loneliness and a feeling of futility in a sense. In an attempt to make the "right" commitment, I have come to realize in my more understanding and "eyes open wide" years, that I won't necessarily know what the "right" choice is whenever it is that I make it. I simply have to have faith. I have been self-sabotaging my heart for a while now, and I admitted that a few months back with a few of my most honest (and personal) poems, "Peas & Carrots", "Just Friends", I’m Sorry" & Insomnia". What I have been doing quietly is, committing to loneliness. I don't want that. I don't think I deserve that.
I never wanted that, but it's hard to trust the beauty of man when you see nothing but ugliness. Well, nothing but ugliness is a little bit dramatic. But, I know some pretty sad souls that were supposed to help me find happiness that they never knew. I know someone who let the woman of his dreams divorce him after a three year separation, rather than admit his transgressions. I know a man who is doing it now, also very close to me. Now in both cases, the women weren't perfect, but, they have a lot of good in them. Why does pride get to dictate matters of the heart? Why doesn't the heart get a say until it is too late, or worse, until it doesn't matter? I'm frustrated with my life to an extent. I'm not unhappy, just frustrated. Frustrated with flaky ass people who freely volunteer for things they don't follow through with. I don't flake out on people, so, if you know me and have flaked out on me, you have irritated me and I haven't gotten around to telling you yet. Worse, are folks who flake and don't even tell you their flaking. That shit is irksome and disrespectful. I'm also frustrated with having to be so fuckin' on point all the time. I just feel like I'm too logical sometimes. That I should sometimes just remember myself, that I am human. To not provide on the spot self-analysis and just be in tune with the fact that I'm hurt, messed up, pissed off...whatever. I don't do that nearly enough. I often get pissed off in retrospect as I spin the subject around in my head more and more.
Here's are some truths, seeing as though we are grown:
1) Why can't I ever be afforded the opportunity to perhaps fuck up, and if I do, every one actually remember that I'm human? Making mistakes is part of what makes life interesting, or at least makes you human. I often find myself refraining from doing certain things because I don't want to sully anybodies perception of me. This is hard to explain, here. It's not like I want to go on a bank heist or impregnate four different women, but damn, what if I did? You know, people never bragged about my grades on my father's side of the family until college, because until then, they were either bad or average. Instead, they celebrated my cousin Jason or my older sister, Traci. Now, I tend to think I was very behind on certain aspects of life, but some of my views were very mature. You know how I viewed that shit-- it hurt. Not just for me, but for everybody who was in the same boat. It hurts to not be mentioned, as if you don't matter, as if you don't have any worth. It hurts to be mentioned all of a sudden as if you were some trinket discovered in a local pawn shop. To be lauded as the standard when you were just "Lee" only months before. I remember my cousin Shae said that one of my family members told her to hand around me and stay away from my other cousins @ HU, because I was the only one on Dean's list. Hell, I was simply passionate about what I was doing. Don't get it twisted, though, I still did what many young men do when they are away from home: look for women and liquor. My point is, that academics don't equal content of character. My grades were not an indicator of who I was as a person. They were a status symbol. They didn't say anything of how I felt about me or you. That I was and still am very afflicted by race and racism in this country, and how I am to respond to it. How I want to knock some dudes out that approach me wrong, but I don't want to be a discredit to my family or my "race" as a result. This could get a lot deeper, so I'll leave this topic alone for another day.
2) Just because I want to go there physically with you, doesn't mean I want to be anything more than a friend-- What, people can't be physically attracted and friends? And if so, then why can't that be the case with you and me? On the real, your "emotions" may serve to annoy me in anything other than a "friend" capacity. Shorty, chances are, when it's all said and done, all you really wanted was what I wanted: sex.
Now, I'm of the frame of mind (for the most part) that we need to be easy and work our way there, but, let's not kid ourselves...you were feeling the same thing I was. Why should I have to chase you for something you want the same as me? Or, why do I have to pretend that I want to court you, when I don't? We're grown now, let's approach it as that. I'm not chasing you for something you've already made up in your mind I could have.
3) I really want to get into my creative writing...but I'm beginning to wonder if I'm preventing myself from doing this. I have so many ideas in my head, so clearly defined in my mind, but...I almost feel like I'm scared to commit to this process. It's like, finding out you have your destiny in your hands and being scared to take the next step. I don't know... I'm just tired of being tossed around aimlessly. I need to get balanced. Forgive this rant, because it is just that. This will make a lot more sense to me than anyone (I hope).
4) Sometimes, I don't want to talk, or share, or go anywhere...I just want to sort through all this madness. That's how I am. It's hard for me to start something new not having tended to prior problems that may be plaguing me, But sometimes, I need friends to check in on me, to call me, to ask me to go out even though they know I'll probably say know. I...can sometimes forget about the outside world. It's somewhat of a defense mechanism, somewhat of a processing thing. The world doesn't cease to spin when I do, and you know what, that's cool. But, it bothers me to know that I can be there selflessly for someone, and that same person won't pick up a phone (especially if I’ve made a clear effort of trying to reach out to them). Now, I don't dwell on it, because I don't like to dwell on negative shit, mainly because it does nothing positive for me/you. But, since I'm thinking about it now, it does bother me. Truth is, I find more and more than I'm more at ease with sharing the company of somebody I care for than anything. If we talk, that's fine. But if not, that's not a condemnation of your character of indicative of how I feel about you...it just happens to be where I am in my life.
Now to be honest, it would feel (to me at least) a bit disingenuous if I got a heap of phone calls because of this entry. Just keep in mind, that everybody likes to be feel like they're being thought of. This coming from somebody who is terrible with picking up the phone. Yet I still try to remember to check in every once in a while, be it phone call or email...
I don't even know where the hell I'm going with this entry now, so I'm going to wrap it up... Just know that I'm trying to be a better me, and I hope, that you are honestly trying to be a better you. Even if that means accepting that you are indeed human, too.