Okay, the truth is-- I haven't been writing in my journal because my life in every aspect was and has been in disarray. Writer's block, family drama, working on a week-to-week basis at my job, and most importantly, I had a fall out with my best friend...ever. Over what?: The inability of either one of us to stand and deliver.
Yeah, we had conversations, often initated by me, but fo whatever reason, we never pushed it. I had my reasons, which are sensible to me, but I don't expect every one to understand. I'm a man who was afraid of getting his heart broken, or worse, doing something to break her heart. There's other shit I won't get into here outta respect for her, nothing bad, but some shit is just personal. Because this situation is still very much raw and up in the air, I won't specify too much. I will however put myself out there, because hey, that's what I always have to do. And even though I'm almost positive this blow up in my face, I'm still going to make a last ditch effort (for what, I'm not sure yet). Both parties are hurt, feel wronged, and blah-blah-blah, but(!), I'll at least put prde aside for the greater cause...closure and healing.

"Just Friends"

You wanted the truth
I gave it to you
But you never heard because I didn’t say it in the way you preferred
You stripped me bare
And left me with a broken heart and pride
So here’s the truth
I don’t like hospitals, or seeing people that I care about in hospital beds
It makes me uneasy
I spent my entire youth feeling inadequate
Not knowing what to be or what to say
Never fitting in
And feeling the jealousy of loved ones who knew they could hurt me because everything mattered to me
I feel ashamed that I learned how to be a man from my Step-father, while my father was minutes away
All this ability scares me
Made familiar with Mathew 25: 14-36 as a child
I often wondered why I am so blessed with so much ability
And what happens if I don’t do what I’m supposed to with it
Not sure which direction to travel with it
I don’t know how to put my burdens down
Or the ones of those I care about
It’s who I am
Yet I’m still scared that I can never do enough to fix the situation
I loved you in ways I never knew loved existed
And it scared me
It made me vulnerable in ways that were much too familiar
My heart is and was jaded by a lifetime of hurt feelings
And I gave you every opportunity I could to break my heart
Unfortunately you finally accepted at a time when I needed you most
At a time when all that made sense to me was you
At a time I was finally getting the courage up to risk it all
A time when you were taking phone calls @ 1am in my house
How could I put my heart out there again?
“You know what happens now, Lee”
No
You are better than that
She loves you
You owe her this courtesy
To not jump to conclusions
To ignore what you know is true
To not seem jealous, or petty, or insecure
I never wanted this
And I suspect
In the beginning of the end
Neither did you
But you stripped me bare
Left me with nothing but a broken heart and pride
You already made a decision on where our relationship would go there was nothing left for me to decide
All I could do is run and hide
Wrap myself back up in my pain that keeps me awake
My uncertainty
And curse you silently for never giving me a chance to make things right
For moving on and not telling me
For not breaking my heart sooner
For ever letting me feel this way
To continue to let me say I love you when you weren’t feeling the same
To skip out after all this time and not let me know until you found someone else
In 1am phone conversations at my house
That didn’t involve me
For having the audacity to say we’re just friends
I never wanted that
I wanted more
And admittedly
I was scared because I had never been there before
I didn’t want to mess it up
To hurt you
To lose you
So I never said anything
And told you I love you while you slept in my arms
Told you I love you with kisses on your forehead
Said I love you with countless poems because
Lord knows I don’t have the words without a paper and pen
They get jumbled up in my mouth
I choke them down not knowing if the proper words have been used
They constrict the veins in my heart causing it to beat faster
But I told you this
So I said what I could when I could
And tried to communicate to you with my eyes
My heart
My hands
You just wanted a title
A title that said we were more than friends
I was working on being the definition
Told you I wanted you to be my wife
Just to wait until I knew I was right (about me)
So
If it’ll help you feel better
It’s my fault
Because obviously the words I love you from someone who is scared to say it means nothing
Without a title
It’s my fault
Because I was foolishly trying to make us perfect,
And you were fine with how we were
It’s my fault you let me go
I should have told you I love you anyway,
Thrown caution into the wind
But that’s not who I am
So it’s my fault for being too inflexible to take that risk for real love
For being too scared
I will accept the blame
And curse my name
I will hate my birthday and the day I was born because it’s the day I met you
All I want is closure
A realistic solution to this problem I created
And you initiated
My heart is heavy now
I’m shaking
I’ll try to go to sleep and not think of you
I will lay with my back facing the place where you used to lay
And forgive you for being just as prideful as me
Just as stubborn
Although I don’t think you will forgive me
Because we don’t talk
Yet that’s what you asked for
“Just Friends”
Requesting I turn off emotions I’ve been trying to sabotage out of fear for years
They don’t just go away
The need for you doesn’t just dissipate
The love does not disappear
Contrary to what you told me
I know
Because it’s still here
Rending at me
Robbing me of my ability to function
So be proud
I’m sure I’ve given you every reason not to come back
To make you feel this is what you really wanted
That this was the right move
When all I wanted is for you to tell me you’d stay no matter what
And mean it
Commit to it
Fully
And maybe you did
And I just didn’t believe you
Maybe I did
And was scared of what that meant
No matter
Be happy
Because I am miserable without you
And you are obviously “cool” without me
But I’ll accept that misery before I accept your terms
“Just Friends” was never enough
And honestly
I thought you knew that
You can’t expect me to separate my feelings
As I don’t believe you are over me
But that’s beside the point
You wanted the truth
Here it is for everyone to see
It has always been your choice
So what will be,
Is not up to me
You want a title?
You pick one that makes amends
And for the sake of “us”
I pray it’s a title more tasteful than “Just Friends”

Everytime your name was brought up
I would act all nonchalant in front of an audience
Like if you was just another shorty I put the naughty on
But uh, truth be told you do me for a loop, this Hov
I'm too old to be frontin when I'm feeling Denzel
And you acting like you ain't appealing but you are
Stunting like you ain't my only girl but you are (I was just frontin)
I'm ready to stop when you are ~Jay-Z