I had a couple epiphanies this weekend, primarily while driving to my mother’s crib to spend some time with her on her birthday. I won’t share everything with you, but I will say this… I am tired, but…now I know why. I mean, not long ago, I pulled away from many of those close to me, but didn’t fully understand why. It’s a bit clearer now: I’m tired of wanting for my loved ones what they aren’t willing to want and/or attain for themselves. It’s hard to see the people you love self destruct, especially when they don’t want to listen to you when you call them on it. So, why bother? If you can’t get beyond yourself to find the happiness you want, why should I intervene? Seriously?
It’s not that I care any less, but, family is the place, the one place you should be able to go and feel reenergized and ready to face the world. If you can’t go home after a l0ong day of work and enjoy family, YOU need to reevaluate your life. Family is supposed to be the one thing that builds you up when the world tears you down, and not just in my family, but in others, that’s not the case as it should be. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family, and I have a lot of good people in my family; A lot of the wear and tear I feel is not something that folks are doing directly to me… I see it in how people treat their spouses and significant others, hell, themselves. Because of the type of person I am, that wears on me. At some point, people will have to realize that the happiness they seek is up to them to attain.
Why are you expecting him to come around and start acting a certain way when you still ain’t got your shit together? Why does she have to change, but you don’t? If something is wrong in a relationship, the first person you need to check is you. What are you doing to better the situation? What are you doing to better yourself and where you are in life?
Another thing is, people don’t think I’m for real or something, man. And seriously, I’m tired of that too. I’m tired of being disregarded, but when someone needs something done, I’m the one who makes it happen. I’m tired of being the rock everybody depends on, but not getting the appreciation, or better yet, respect for it. Just because you’re a nice guy doesn’t mean you’re a sucker. So…certain people might be seeing a different side of me, because I’m not going to sit idly by while you try to play me…naw, it ain’t even that type of party.
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On another note, I really need to work on my social anxieties; I still don’t like being in large groups of people. I either get too talkative or you forget I’m there. Unless it’s family, as in, known you most or all of my life, I’m a bit uneasy. I sat next to Charlie Brown at my man Bru’s fight party the majority of the Hopkins fight, and she basically had to tell me (as only Charlie can), “Calm the fuck down, son”. Not that I was wildin’, but I think she saw I was a bit out of my element (my mouth was moving, but I wasn’t really saying much). I’m trying to keep myself somewhat out there, but my faith in humanity is truly waning right now. It sometimes makes me wonder why I should continue to be a good person. Not that it matters, because, I just can’t bring myself to be shady. *sigh*
C’est la vie…
Oh, Hopkins deserved to lose that fight because it was his fight to lose. He did nothing to win the fight, and a challenger can not be lack aggression in a title fight. Oh, and R. Kelly singing the national anthem…? Marvin Gaye will not have to worry about any comparisons…ever.
PS- The boondocks is funny as hell…even if it does (sometimes) go too far; actually, it’s no less out there than Family Guy or American Dad, so, what am I really saying here. Watch that joint…