It’s winter
And even though it has been scientifically proven the days are shorter
I
Beg to differ
Although the days seem colder and the wind seems stiffer
I am all reason
No purpose
Okay,
Perhaps that not the case, but
That’s how it feels
My sense of reality has ceased seeming real
The minutes are longer
Hours feel like they take hours to pass
The only thing that makes the work day go is work
Thoughts of you no longer work
Because thinking of you is too
Much
Work
I’ve always been somewhat a loner
But being this alone
Hurts
Reading genisis page by page I’ve made my own church
Where I am the pastor, pulpit and congregation
Waiting on a miracle
That perhaps I won’t have to play peace maker to find some semlance of peace
That some ouside force will be the source of my relief
Believing in my faith I have faith in my beliefs
Yet
This is something else
This is not simply a test of self
But of self love
How much will you abstain
Enduring pain
In hopes of being understood
That if you hurt me it can’t be all good
I mean we’ve all endured a bit more than we all should
But I must humbly admit that I’ve taken more shit than most could
And I’m tired
So tired my eyes are too weak to weep
I just want to finally know a true good nights sleep
One where I don’t have to worry about the welfare of my nephew(s) and or Niece(s)
Where I stop finding out lies that have been told to me consistently by family
Where I don’t have to wonder why am I so close to the poverty line with so much experience and a degree
When I don’t have to second guess my heart
I’m tired
Night time is for sleeping and here it is half till three
I’m worn
I don’t want to pick up the phone
Most likely it’s someone who wants something from me
I’m no one’s dummy
Tired of playing it cool (when you and your friend's are bad mouthing me)
I know how you think
I just want to heal
With or without you
But don’t be mad at me if you’ve given me every reason to doubt you
Because my word has always been bond
I just want peace
No sleeping disorder
No racing thoughts
I just want the night for sleep
And the day for dreams
And if you aren’t willing or able to help me attain that
Then simply let me be
Because the truth is
If that is the case
I’d probably sleep better
Without you