*sigh*
I am so tired right now. Not physically, but emotionally. I’m fuckin’ angry at everybody in the world, and nobody all at the same time. It feels like whatever I have put my energy into the last few years is falling apart…and most of it I can’t control and isn't by my doing. That’s a terrible feeling; a feeling that you can’t rub to make it better like a stubbed toe. This is a pain that they haven’t created an ointment for…and I don’t like it. I’m not in the mood to deal with people, or even put up the façade that everything is okay with me. Frankly, it ain’t, and frankly I don’t have the energy.
This is the only way I know how to vent…to write. And right now that isn’t enough. I’m full right now. Filled with all the times I let shit slide, that I humbled myself…with all the times I didn’t say fuck you even if I didn’t mean it. Because right now I do. I’m drowning in this bullshit that others have created and I’ll be damned if I allow you to lend me a hand when you helped put me here. Not when I would never do this to you. I’m angry because I don’t feel like myself…and haven’t for quite some time. I don’t really even know what that is anymore. I really want to start over, anything to get rid of this weight that has been slowing me down the past few years. I’m tired of petty people, fake smiles, disingenuous inquiries, backstabbing, feuding familily members and loved ones, friends that disappear right as shit gets messy…I’m just tired.
And please believe this don’t mean any deep shit like I’m on the edge to the point where I’d hurt myself. This is to the point where I simply won’t fuck with anybody like that. To the point I probably won’t return the calls of folks who only call me when they need something. To the point where I’m going to carry things how ya’ll do. If you want to act funny…fuck you. If you don’t feel me or fool with me like that…cool. Don’t speak to me. And keep my name out of your fucking mouth. I don't say anything that I can't say in front of your face. I’m tired of being the nice guy that lets everybody slide… It takes more energy than I have or you deserve. I guess the biggest thing is, I’m tired of putting myself in folks corner, and being left out there. Being betrayed…being shitted on. I'm also dead tired of people feeling like they can call me on my flaws, but never once checking their own.
Here’s an honest point of admission: I wrote a piece a while back called “baggage check”, and although that was inspired by someone else, it has great importance to me personally. See, I’m a very good judge of character. I can normally discern if you’re shady or not just by looking you in your eyes. Which, oddly enough, is part of the reason I have a problem with eye contact sometimes. I don’t like to see all of peoples demons when I just meet them….I don’t want to believe that’s all there is to them…because many times it’s not. But, on the other hand, sometimes it is. Things is, I don’t want to deny people the opportunity to evolve and become better people. One of the things that frustrates me the most about people is, they often create a box for you. And once they think they have you figured out, they put you in that box forever.
The other (occasional…I’ve gotten a lot better with this) problem with eye contact is because I don’t like people to see that I have shit I’m struggling with, too. I’m always the reliable one in my family, the dude that doesn’t make mistakes…which naturally people tend to take advantage of. I don't always have the answers or have it together, but I don't use that as an excuse to act an ass either. My nature is to look out for people, but my defense is I can’t do that because people tend to take advantage. I’m getting off task here…I just wanted to get some of this out. Last thing I need is for some poor sap to say the wrong thing to me right now, especially @ work. It might not be good for them, or me.
Peace & healing ya’ll…for real.
One.